The Rapture Force

The Word is a Light, and cuts like a Sword thru the Darkness


Count The Cost of being the Lord’s

posted by PrayerWarrior

When I came to the Lord, I said Father here am I send me! He told me to count the cost, then put before my face many scriptures that showed me to really consider what it is to be used of the Lord to be called by the Lord. I will share as many as I can here with you and how it worked in my heart and mind to prepare me for a walk that was worthy of the Lord and His will and ways. He showed me one of the first things was to really consider what happens if you turn away from God and showed me 2 Peter 2:20-22

20 For if after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, they are again entangled therein, and overcome, the latter end is worse with them than the beginning. 21 For it had been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than, after they have known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them. 22 But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire. They are filthy again with the cares of the world and the pursuits of this life. This life is not about us! This life is about God and how much we love Him.

If we want to spend eternity in the presence of God, then we must live only for Him, here in this time now. Think about it, why would God want anyone who does not live in Him, for Him, and their life all about seeking to know Him better? Why would He want anyone who is not barely in love with Him? Those who pursue their own pleasures in this life are not a giving lover. This is a most intimate deep relationship we are to be pursuing with God the Father, through Christ Jesus! Not just oh when I have time God, I’ll give you one day a week take it or leave it okay! That does not work.

God is looking for sold out bought up servant’s who are willing vessels for His grace. Overflowing out of our lives into others lives. He wants to pour so much into you that you have no choice but to pour out onto others, from the abundance in your heart. So He tells us to count the cost. It is up to us to do that very thing. Because as Peter showed us it is worse for those who walked with God and had a bit of knowledge of Him who did not continue in their first love of Him, and keep on pursuing Him.

He wants us to forever keep seeking after Him, through His word, through many prayers, through tons of conversation with Him. He wants a close personal relationship with each of us, that suits perfectly to who we are! That’s right God tailors your relationship by how much you give to this relationship between you and He. We set the pace of our relationship with Him, not the other way around. But Isn’t this all about searching and seeking to know the object of your desire better, the most important thing in our whole life?

We have a whole entire eternity to look forward to if we love God with every ounce of our being, but if we turn away {and do not let anyone fool you with vain lies that say you cannot be removed from the book of Life you most certainly can, and will be cast into hell for it} He will turn away from you, and Jesus will not confess your name before God the Father. God demands commands even that we love Him so that He may reward us lavishly forever. No two days the same everything new and amazing every moment for eternity. Peace and joy so overwhelming if we were in our mortal flesh we would disintegrate with the power of it.

But if we refuse and reject then an eternity of burning and suffering forever. Where worms eat you and never die, and you never die. When every opportunity you ever had of coming to the Lord and the knowledge of the truth, rides before your memory with palpable regret, forever and ever. Hating yourself knowing this is where you made yourself have to go. Knowing this is what you deserve for not wanting to be the Lord’s in this life. All for a short life that really amounted to no meaning at all in it, because you were so unhappy unsatisfied unfulfilled throughout this life and all you had to do was listen to those who tried so ardently to tell you you were in danger.

Yeah what an eternity that is!

Anyway back to the scriptures. Luke 14:25-35 25 And there went great multitudes with him: and he turned, and said unto them, 26 If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife,and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.
27 And whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple.

28 For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it? 29 Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him, 30 Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish. 31 Or what king, going to make war against another king, sitteth not down first, and consulteth whether he be able with ten thousand to meet him that cometh against him with twenty thousand?

32 Or else, while the other is yet a great way off, he sendeth an ambassage, and desireth conditions of peace. 33 So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple.34 Salt is good: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be seasoned? 35 It is neither fit for the land, nor yet for the dunghill; but men cast it out. He that hath ears to hear, let him hear.

When the Lord says he who has ears to hear let him hear, we really want to pay close attention. This is a cue for us to give our ears over to the Holy Spirit so He can fill us in. The Lord cue’s us in when we are supposed to pay extra special attention to something He has said with either, I tell you the truth, or repeating something 2 or 3 times. Verily Verily I say unto you is another cue to pay close attention to His words.

Throughout the word we can find these things in Jesus words. But what you can clearly see is in the word the Lord used very few words to get the message out. I honestly personally believe He did this so as to confuse and confound those who are not filled with the Holy Spirit. The bible is foolishness to the perishing, those who do not have the power of the Holy Spirit cannot get the rest of the meaning, because it is Holy Spirit discerned. The rest of the story get’s filled in (for me personally) as I study intensely the word for myself. Having no human being filling me in on the word and it’s meaning, is the only way I can do the word.

When I have heard others views, ideas and understanding, I always come to the conclusion that they do not understand the word. I cannot sit idly by and accept other’s teaching and must go study whatever topic half to death. Using tools for great in depth bible study is important no man’s ideas but verses that pertain to the same subject matter, works wonderfully. A great cross reference study bible is always a great tool. There is also sites I use that have wonderful cross reference bible verses on the side called, bible hub, and then one of my favorites is

Looking back at those bible verses in Luke let’s go through them by threes? Jesus was sharing with a great amount of people before He went to the cross even, that we must pick up our cross and drop everything else and follow Him. If we cannot do that because of loyalties to our family and or friends then He tells us simply, you are not worthy of me. We should love Him so much that our love of others looks like hatred, when compared. Verses 25-27.

Verses 28-30 speak on the fact that before we would begin to build anything we would need to make sure we have enough to finish the project, or risk looking like a fool. The risks of looking like a fool are small when you think of the fact that starting in the Lord and not going on with Him forever till you either die or come to the end of this world, is a very poor idea. It shows that you were not really thinking of the possibility of being unable to complete your mission, for lack of trusting the Lord to do it all. We would not look bad to people, but to the Lord, and looking like a failure to the Lord is the worst thing that could happen to us.

He expects us to trust Him and obey Him, at all times. He expects us to come to Him who is capable beyond our human understanding, to handle everything for us by living in us and through us. He is not looking for part time children and or shared custody of us. He wants us to deliver ourselves over to His hands fully and completely, without reservation and without pulling ourselves in and out of that very capable hand, whenever we feel it is too much or whatever else would pull us away from Him. To be fully immersed in Him and building daily our relationship with Him.

We must dedicate time to Him and pursuing Him. Of course He knows we must work for a living and to do all things that pertain to life, but in Him is where strength courage and stamina is really realized. So that we walk through this life in the way He wants us to. Not allowing depression any quarter, not allowing our own weaknesses and or illnesses to slow us stop us, or bring us to a halt in our walk with Him. Which brings me to another point. Satan throws everything at us but the kitchen sink, we cannot allow him and his antics to derail our walk. We cannot allow feelings of hurt and anger to stop us from moving always forward in the Lord.

Death should not even slow us down, the death of our loved ones I mean. We do not mourn as the world mourns, 1 Thess 4:13-14. We sorrow of course when we lose one we love, but just pick up in the Lord trusting Him that your loved one is in His capable hands, and move forward, being built up and strengthened in Him. He takes our cares upon Himself if and when we allow Him to. Picking our own thoughts and feelings back up on a constant basis, we must repent of that, and drop it all at His feet again and again. We are human beings who make mistakes, and this is one of those huge mistakes that causes us grief and sorrow. Picking our problems back up and worrying them in our minds and hearts, is a great way to lose our joy and peace in the Lord.

Verses 31-33. Speaks about going to war and counting out how it will all go down. Basically when one is planning to go to war against another kingdom or government, or country, one would do intense study of one’s foe, and how many men he will come to meet you at war with. It is telling us plan in advance for every contingency, so as not to fall away and lose. In this case it is losing your eternal rewards and spiritual death occurs, when one leaves off the Lord and His will and ways, before the race (so to speak) is over, being called disqualified by the Lord, is a very scary thing.

We must put aside every desire we have every thought that is self-contained, and everything that we think in order to put Him inside us. If we walk away He will pull back, if we stay in Him, then He will remain in us and with us. We cannot afford to be cut off from the Lord, or our condemnation will be swift. In a vision I had a couple years ago now, I saw the children of God walking in His shadow and the forces of evil just on the outskirts of God’s shadow, waiting ever watching for those to step out of line, and then devouring them once they did step out from His shadow covering. It was horrifying to watch as the fear and horror and invasion of themselves occurred unto death.

These people, the look on their faces was unimaginable as they were consumed by evil, lest evil lose a new disciple back to the Lord, so they were destroyed immediately. I do not want to see that happen. Hell is chock full of good people, people who even read their bible thinking they were saved not knowing truth for themselves. Many people, not all but most people who claim Christ, do not know the first thing about being saved or about being born again and about living for the Lord, and not themselves.

Gay people molesters whatever you want to cook up in your mind as sin, none of these is more sin than any other thing. Sin is sin before the Father and he cannot look upon sin in any form. From the mildest in your mind to the most deplorable sin they are all sin and equal in the eyes of God. I love my gay friends and family, but am under no delusion they live to please their sinful flesh, they will go to hell. The same with liars and thieves and whore mongers murderers, sin is sin, and living without God means going to hell. Even those who are gay and claim Christ is theirs, they don’t know how wrong they are. Living for ourselves is not picking up your cross daily.

Living for God is self sacrificing. It is dropping your hopes dreams and mostly your fleshly desires at the door. Every morning when we awaken we renew our dedication to the Lord. A new day another day to get closer to God not living to fulfill your most base desires, but living to please Him, which is to love Him with all our heart soul and mind, and love our neighbors as ourselves. Truly I must confess the second one is so hard in this day and age, but we cannot afford to lose the love or we are worth nothing at all.

The Lord showed me many verses that show what happens if you walk away from Him.
Hebrews 6:4 For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted the heavenly gift, and have become partakers of the Holy Spirit, 5 and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, 6 if they fall away, to renew them again to repentance, since they crucify again for themselves the Son of God, and put Him to an open shame.
7 For the earth which drinks in the rain that often comes upon it, and bears herbs useful for those by whom it is cultivated, receives blessing from God; 8 but if it bears thorns and briers, it is rejected and near to being cursed, whose end is to be burned.

Hebrews 10:26 For if we sin willfully after we have received the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, 27 but a certain fearful expectation of judgment, and fiery indignation which will devour the adversaries. 28 Anyone who has rejected Moses’ law dies without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. 29 Of how much worse punishment, do you suppose, will he be thought worthy who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, counted the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified a common thing, and insulted the Spirit of grace? 30 For we know Him who said, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,”says the Lord. And again, “The Lord will judge His people.” 31 It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.

John 15:1 “I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away;[a] and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit. 3 You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me.

5 “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. Read that carefully. Read it a few times taste it sound it out as you read it think on it and understand He will throw you in the fire if you walk away from Him.

He wants that we all repent confess our sins and ask forgiveness for them. When He sent Jesus, Jesus did not die so you could be a sinner forever more, He died so you can be set free from sin live a Holy life and be alive with Him forever more in the Kingdom in New Jerusalem. He died so you can be purified in and through Him. That you no longer live your life, but hand it back to Him as payment for His life.

God is not looking for anyone who is not interested in walking out their every moment of life in Him. He is looking for the most devoted bride He can find, no other will do for His son. He is not coming back right now because we are a big bunch of filthy people with our most amazing righteous works being as filthy as dirty rags. People think they are so good and don’t even know the Lord at all and or what is His will and ways, but they believe they will be removed any moment, how foolish to ignore the word of God.

Those people who claim Christ and show they are not His, are so blatantly not anywhere near the child of God they call themselves. The cannot imagine how very clear it is to see that they do not know the truth for themselves that they indeed have demons doctrines and false teachers mentalities. We must know the Lord for ourselves this is how He teaches us to walk in Him every step we take in this life.

We must be sold out to Him entirely body soul and heart. This is the only thing God accepts, is those whose whole life is not dedicated to pursuing joy and happiness on earth, but they who pursue God and seek more and more knowledge of Him daily. Their only mission in this life is to know Him more, to be moved closer to Him in spirit and heart. To walk in the very power that raised Christ from the dead. Not a powerless useless life all done in our own strength.

When we are sick that is satan working against us to slow us down. Ill health does not come from the Lord, it comes from the enemy, we are to rebuke it and cast it off of us, commanding it to leave us and then walk in the knowledge that in Christ is no illness, no infirmity! He is whole and complete and is not sick or feeble, so if He lives in us and through us, then we are His vessel. There is no holes so to speak in His pitcher. He overflows us with grace and knowledge and wisdom and we from that abundance pour out on others lives, deliberate pouring out so we do not miss our targeted empty glass, that just waits to be filled.

So in closing, Do not come to the Father thinking to use Him when you need Him, and then the rest of the time relegate Him to the back of your heart life and mind. He will allow you your free will, it is up to you to make sure you find out from the Father how not to falter. It is up to us to maintain our life in Him and grow our connection with Him. We control our relationship with the Father, He does not. We choose how close and how deep we go into this relationship with Him. But oh friends brothers sisters in Him, the rewards of being called His friend and Confidante are priceless and plentiful.


A New Commandment I Give You!

posted by PrayerWarrior

34But when the Pharisees heard that He had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together. 35Then one of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, and saying, 36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?” 37 Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and great commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” Matt. 22:34-40.

With human relations declining throughout the planet, and anger and hatred taking over completely, it is so very hard to love anyone anymore. Yet if we lose the love, we have lost our own salvation. The Loving God part for me anyway comes easy. We who have been freed from much bondage and sin and who have been forgiven much can honestly love the Lord with every part of our being. The issues come in when we have to love the unlovable people of this world.

Yet the Lord expects us to seek His heart for others, and to love them as we love ourselves. How do we do this in a world growing more and more hateful by the day? We give it to God fully and completely! Let’s look at how much Love is spoken of in the NT. Quite often, and Jesus said in John 13:34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.

1 John 4:19 We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Love is the most important commandment, it is the only one according to Jesus. Everything thatis done in love cannot fail. Love does not seek it’s own, it does not boast, it does not hurt anyone in anyway. It says in 1 Pet 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

Jesus says in Matt 24:9-14 9 “Then you will be arrested, persecuted, and killed. You will be hated all over the world because you are my followers. 10 And many will turn away from me and betray and hate each other. 11 And many false prophets will appear and will deceive many people. 12 Sin will be rampant everywhere, and the love of many will grow cold. 13 But the one who endures to the end will be saved. 14 And the Good News about the Kingdom will be preached throughout the whole world, so that all nations will hear it; and then the end will come.

Let’s talk about verse 12. In the KJV it says because iniquity will abound, the love of many grows cold. That friends is apostasy! If we lose the love, we are as nothing. We are good only for the fire, we have turned from fruitful into waste. In John chp 15 we read of the vine being cut off and thrown in the fire, if it bears no fruit, it is only good for the fire. It also describes the apostles as the branches and we are included in that!
John chpt 13 it says By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

1 John 4:20 says If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen? John 13:35 says “We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love the brethren. He who does not love his brother abides in death”.See not loving is apostate. We must maintain no matter what we go through the Love. If we lose the love we have lost everything and all our past goodnees and or righteous deeds have come to naught.

Paul says, “owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law. For the commandments, ‘You shall not commit adultery,’ ‘You shall not murder,’ ‘You shall not steal,’ ‘You shall not bear false witness,’ ‘You shall not covet,’ and if there is any other commandment, are all summed up in this saying, namely, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ Love does no harm to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.” (Romans 13:8-10) Pretty clear on that score. Love does not wrong to anyone at any time.

Jesus said in Luke chpt 6:30-36 “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” principle. He says, “Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back. And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise. But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful.”

That set of verses covers a lot of territory. If we love we will go that extra mile to show the love. Imagine you borrow from someone and they give you much more than you asked for, then tell you you owe me nothing! I never want you to try and pay me back! Your head would nearly spin off your neck at such a thing. Especially in this day and age when everyone is out for what more they can get out of each other, this is unheard of.Yet it is something we should regularly be practicing. I am not talking about giving everything you have unless of course you have the faith to believe the Lord will cover you, much more than you gave.

Of course we must be doing according to the will of God as well. But we know the will of God is to love even our enemies in this way. When he said if one slap you in the face turn your cheek and present it too to your enemy. Also if one takes your coat give them your sweater too! No this is so not easy a thing to do. We are incensed at such a thing occurring. We would be absolutely flabbergasted for someone to steal our coat right off us. The last thing we would be thinking is here take my sweater too.

We would be thinking, you are so lucky I don’t grab you and beat you!! But now turn it around and think how that thief would feel like hell came down on their head, if you turned and smiled at them and said oh here have my sweater too! They would think you went nuts and they would certainly think twice about walking off with your coat and sweater. They would be heaping coals on their own head. They would be so astounded I think they would give you your coat back and walk off wondering what just happened?

How many of us do such things? How many of us think only of ourselves and our own comfort? I know I sure do. But in learning and growing in the Lord, I pray that should such ever occur, I would do the noble thing and think to myself instead of you creepy jerk! Wow the need that prompted such an action as steaing my coat right off my back, deserves to be met. Here take my coat and here is my sweater for anyone who is with you, suffering with you. Then bring them to a shop and get them lunch as well. Can you imagine that soul being won for the Lord? I sure could! So now I pray Lord help me to be blessed enough to be such a blessing to others.

Father help me to love as you love. Lord help me to see the need behind the foul actions rather than looking at the outer, help me see the inner turmoil that has caused one to do things not of the norm. Let’s think of what 1 Corinthians 13 says, if we have all the gifts of the spirit but have no love we are as a sounding brass. Meaning we are nothingbecause if there is no love then God is not in you. if there is no love you are apostate or were never his to begin with. It is getting harder and harder to love in this crazy cruel world. The sorrow to be found on a daily basis makes one shudder.

The news is filled with horrible things going on all over the world. Each moment of every day there are things being reported by the media main stream and Christian, as well as not so known news outlet’s. These are designed by the enemy to rob us of the Love of the compassion and empathy needed to maintain and remain in love. By hearing all these things seeing pictures and videos of these things going on, we become complacent and apathetic. We become desensitized to them, as they are shown often. So that we stand on the side lines and say and do nothing anymore.

Love treads where fools refuse to go. We as lovers of God and each other must stand up. We must speak and contend for truth. We must argue out of love for truth. We must make known the things of God and especially the love of God. We must be examples of the exemplary love of God at all times at all costs. I know arguing does not sound like it is right. But when we aretalking about false teachings and false beliefs it is our duty to prove the word of God to those who are lost and or not understanding. We must always contend for the truth. it is so important to believe in the Lord in truth and spirit.

In closing I pray that the Lord will help you to see what is pure true love the kind of love we all dream of being and doing. I pray the Lord open each of our eyes but especially our hearts to true deep abiding love no matter what happens. Because if we lose the love then we have lost the race, and there is no second place we must be first! As it gets harder and harder to stay in love with God andeach other, may the Lord fill us with compassion and empathy to just keep on going in Him. He who endures till the end shall be saved. That is enduring in love come what may. I pray the Lord fills us each with strength to be doers of the word and not hearers only.

Blessings in Christ Jesus,


Part 2 My Testimony

posted by PrayerWarrior

This was my dream man that God gave me, I would not could not lose him. So in Feb of 85 Romain went to the military, and I lost the one person who kept me sane. I cried so much my face looked like I was in a boxing match. My in laws did not talk to me. I had no car to go see my friend Janice in the next town over. I never asked my in laws for anything. I never asked anyone for anything. I still don’t ask anyone for anything except prayers. So my son became my world. I talked to him, bathed him, cuddled him talked more to him. Read to him, sang to him, rocked him. I loved that child with everything I had in me, which was tons of love. He was a very smart very active baby from the start. By three months old he was rolling around to get where he wanted to go. By 6 months old his vocabulary was 55 words.

About a month after Romain went into the military, I was in a huge fight with my in laws. The only things they said to me were negative stuff about my parents. Hey my parents weren’t perfect I know that, but neither were my in laws, and I would defend those I love to the death, if I had to. So I bundled Jon up at one a.m one night, and walked out the door with all I could carry of his in my arms, and him in the other arm. I went to a store down the road and called my mother and asked her (Yup I asked my mother for something) If she could come pick Jon and I up in Bristol. Praise God she came right away. I moved home for a little while. That meant I had to go back to that church that had voted me out. I was now married this made everything ok with them. I still did not go to Sunday school, but I went to church.

Mostly I sat there not even listening. I sang the same old songs I had sung before, I knew them all by heart. The people were nice enough to me, but I still felt the stigma of being branded a harlot. Things were ok for me at my mom and dads house. I was there with my little brother and sister. Ruby my little sister was a gem of a girl, and loved her nephew to pieces. I had people to talk to. I could see Janice again. I just was still so unhappy without my other half with me. Though I leaned on God still, I just did not feel that closeness I should have felt. I had no clue what was wrong, and no one to explain to me what was wrong. I felt if the whole church thought I was terrible enough to vote out, then how must God view me?

Romain came back for a visit and we went to his parents house for that visit. Things were not so bad at that time. His folks with him there, were somewhat nicer to me. I think they just missed their grandson. When Rome was leaving he said why don’t you stay here at my folks house? I said I don’t know Rome, at least in moms house I have people to talk to. He convinced me it would be best, Jon would have his own room. I would have my own room. My parents house was always chaotic. He thought that was not good for me or the baby. But I had grown up in the crazy and mostly happy chaos. I was used to noise and people coming and going all the time. But I moved back into his parents house. Back to depression and loneliness. I still had Jon though. Oh yeah, and my mother taught me this little trick of how to get your baby to go back to sleeping at night. You flip them (with two people) head over feet three times slowly. It actually works. Jon slept at night and I was a happy camper. Well ok not so happy, but at least I was sleeping at night mostly.

A few months passed and Romain was done with his basic training and AIT, and his orders got messed up so he was able to choose the army base he wanted to live at. It was Massachusetts he chose. He came to his parents house and picked Jonathon and I up to move out to our own place. Glory Hallelujah. Our own place!!! I thought this is going to be great. Man I was wrong. It really was horrible. The apartment we rented was a dive that had cockroaches ewwwwww. No phone. No family,no friends no one. The friends we made were very screwed up druggies. The women all were after everyone else’s  man. It was no fun. I cried a lot and got very depressed again. Not to mention Romain and I fought a lot. He was partying a lot with all the army buddies as well. The army buddies wives were not there and I saw a lot of those men cheating on wives. I was worried sick that my husband might have been cheating too.

We moved out of the roach infested apartment into a little four room apartment not far away. Some people we lived next to moved with us. I was none too pleased they were abusive to one another. Both cheating on one another,and were abusive to their daughter. Not their son though, it was strange. They did not change sheets in their children’s cribs. So it really smelled bad in the room where the cribs were. I put Jon in bed with Romain and I, since we did not want him near that stinking room. Jon was so sweet at nine months old, I could swear he understood that the little baby Angela, was being abused. He would wrap his arms around her all the time. Just hold her and talk to her all the time. These people had acid parties in our apartment, and invited some really crazy people over. I needed to get away from there badly.

Romain at that time went AWOL, and the people who lived with us turned him in for fifty dollars. The MP’s came and arrested Romain, and Jon and I returned to CT to live with Romain’s parents once again. I was happy for the peace and quiet of Romain’s parent’s home once again,and did not mind that I was not spoken to. I had my son and took great pleasure in his company. He had to have been the smartest little guy in the whole world. He talked quite a bit already,and loved to laugh,and make people laugh. My son always a character. We still could not go anywhere without everyone going nuts over my little man. I swear there really was something quite special about him.

Romain meanwhile had his trial thingy for going awol as well as having marijuana on him. So he had to go to jail for a little while. He was a wreck about it,as was I of course. Then they discharged him. One year of being in the military was enough for him. He came home and we got into the business of living our lives together. He went to work, construction which was good for us. We lived with his parents for about another year, and then finally moved into our own place. There were not many people who wanted to rent to two teenagers. We had a hard time to find a place,but found some people who would only rent out to French people. Thankfully we have that very French last name, Levesque. I went to work in a department store evenings so I would not have to pay a babysitter. I then got pregnant with my daughter Meghan. I told Romain that I had gotten pregnant the night I conceived. He said no way your funny Tam you can’t know that. I said yup sure enough, I am writing it on the calender, and going to go to the doc in a month you will see.

Sure enough one month elapsed and I went to the doctors, and he confirmed it, I was definitely pregnant and right on target as to when I said I  had gotten pregnant. My mother in law did not want us to have this baby,she said we weren’t ready. Which well excuse me for thinking so, but I had a child already and we were doing a fabulous job of raising him. Besides Romain wanted his little girl. He had been an only child and really was looking forward to not making our son an only child. So I went for my one month later appointment and the doctor says, so when do you want to schedule this? I said I don’t get it schedule what? He said all angry, the abortion? I was dumbfounded where would the doc get an idea like that? He said your mother in law called me and set this appointment for you to have an abortion. I was like WHAT????? I don’t want an abortion. I am a mother of a beautiful little boy that I am nuts about, and want my daughter in the worst way. I do not believe in abortion, I thought you knew that already?

The doc’s face changed dramatically, and he said alright!!! rubbing his hands together,then lets get on with having this baby. I was so heartbroken that my in laws thought they could say, and or do such a thing and get away with it. We did not talk to them for a while, this was just beyond sick as far as we were concerned. Then when we went back and began talking to them again, they told us, they would never  could never accept another child, or love another child like they loved Jon. They seriously stuck by their proclamation. Everything about Meghan was never good enough for them. She was too full of piss and vinegar for their liking, according to them. The funny thing was this,They were nut’s over Jonathon, and he is his mothers son in every possible way. Meghan was and is her fathers daughter in every way. They hate me and love their son, but love Jon and dislike Meghan. Go figure. Meghan has always been a chooser of when or if she gets  affection. Jonathon always gave affection rather you wanted it or not. I am an affection hound, and Romain chooses when or if he gives or takes  affection.

Meghan was a very good baby. She slept like nobodies business, was always smiling and happy. She was into everything though. Dragging toilet paper all over the house I had trails of it lol. She was so very very inquisitive. She did not talk as fast as Jon nor did she roll around as fast as Jon. I thought oh my goodness is something wrong with her? She did not crawl she went from rolling around at about 4 months old to walking at 7 months old. Nope nothing wrong with her she was a skipper. Meaning she liked skipping steps that most babies take. She did not do any talking until about 9 months old other than babble, but boy let me tell you, once she began talking, there was no stopping her she was incredibly smart.  She had at 15 yrs old an I.Q of 144. I was a good mommy. Always doing crafts with the kids. Always reading to them,always doing stuff with them to teach them. I did bring them to church quite often, but still I thought I was a Christian, and was not really a Christian. I was a halfway Christian which as I now know, was no Christian at all. With the Lord it is all or nothing.

In this time we became pretty much party animals, Romain and I. We never ever let it effect our kids though thankfully, Or so we thought. We became crack addicts, for about 6 months we sold off everything we had which was not much. Lost our apartment had to move. Then I woke one morning feeling sick and disgusted with myself. I could not look myself in the mirror. That’s when I decided either I kill myself or I straighten up, expell all the people whom I associated with, and go back to being a good mommy, and wife. Not that I was not a good wife to Romain. I did not cheat on him nor hurt him. I did not abuse my children in anyway other than to sell off some of their stuff to get crack. How sickening is that? We did not have much food either. I would go buy soup in cans and noodles, and pour the soup over the noodles for the kids. And plenty of cereal. Romain on that same day woke to the same exact feelings Thankfully. We just stopped the crack and moved forward. We were one another’s  strength to not touch the stuff. We went back to smoking pot though. Pot was our friend for a good many years. We even smoked it when we first became truly saved.

At the age of 20 I was attending classes to become a Realtor. One of my last nights as a student I went out to go home, and discovered my husband was not there. The cleaning lady closed and locked the building up so I was outside alone. She would not allow me back in to go use the phone. I decided there was a restaurant across and down the street a little, I would go there and call my husband to come get me. As I got to the street a pick up truck pulled over. I thought the person was looking maybe for directions and so I walked up to the truck when he opened the door,and he dragged me in the truck and took off. I could not believe this I was being kidnapped. I did not know what to do, should I jump out of the moving vehicle? Should I stay put? I started thinking of my kids and what would happen to them if anything happened to me. The guy drove somewhere towards my home, which was three towns over from the realty school. I decided to just sit quietly and try to ask him some questions. I had heard if you get someone, who means you harm to talk, they are less likely to do anything to you.

I asked him his name he said Scott. Where do you come from? No answer. What do you do for work? Construction. Why are you doing this? No answer. I told him, I am a mom of two lovely children and married for 3 years,to my wonderful husband I love very much. Please do not harm me,please! He told me to shut up so I did. He pulled over in a dark street in a town called Burlington and proceeded to take off his pants in record time, as well as hit these auto locks on the doors so I could not get away. I decided I was fighting this, it was not going to be easy for him. So I turned sideways in the seat as soon as he grabbed my shirt and ripped it open. I started kicking him and punching and digging my finger nails in his hands as he was trying to rip my clothes off me. I kept fighting and screaming no no no no no no!! I guess he got tired of the fight because he hit the auto lock thing again, and told me to get out. I did, I gathered whatever I could as fast as I could of my books and purse and hauled butt out of his truck.

I ran to the nearest house a little ways down the road and banged on someones door. Thankfully they opened the door and let me in. I practically ran the guy over in his door way, as soon as he opened it. Yelling call the police hurry, this guy just tried to rape me. I was shaking so hard I had no idea if this guy was going to come after us or what. So the lady of that house handed me a cup of tea and called the police for me. The cops came about a half hour later plenty of time for the guy to get away. I called Rome at home and woke him up he had fallen asleep putting Jonathon to sleep. Well I had to go to the police department and make out a report. I drew them the picture of what the guy looked like. And gave them his first name,and the info that he worked Construction. The truck I thought was a black f350. I had no other info for them.

I had detectives calling me and coming over all the time. Finally one day a friend of mine and I went fishing, something I have always loved to do. We went fishing at my favorite lake west hill in New Hartford. On the way home from our unsuccessful day of fishing on the lake. I saw the man in his black f250 he was heading toward New Hartford where West lake was. I started yelling and hitting my friend Lisa thats, thats, thats the guy, thats the guy, hurry turn around, we need to follow him. We followed him right to his door. I gave the cops his home address and his license plate number. They went and picked him up and it turns out the guy had a record like 20 pages long for sexual assault and many other things. We had a trial and they slapped him on the wrist telling me, had I been able to prove the kidnapping and had I allowed him to actually rape me, we could have done more Mrs Levesque. I was dumbfounded.

A year later I had state police knocking on my door. They needed me to testify in court again against the same man. I was like why so you can slap him on the wrist again? No thanks I am done I have moved on with my life, and doing my best to forget all of that. They pleaded  with me to do this. Nope not interested. So then they pull out their big guns. Well look don’t you want to see this man in prison? where he wont be able to hurt anyone else or try to? I said look unless he has murdered someone I am not interested. A very strange look passed between those state police men. I said oh wait he did kill someone? They said no not just one ma’am, 12 women. Most of them hookers, one of them a security guard. And they all look very very similar to you with longer hair. Which at the time of the attempted rape, I had long hair too. They asked me had I cut my hair recently? Yes I had it all cut off a few months earlier.

That explained it to them then, that made much more sense. I really did not want to do this besides what could I do to help their case? I mean he did not kill me obviously. He did not end up raping me, thankfully. I was the only one who knew his Modus Operandi. I thought about it and discussed it with Romain. He did not want me to do this. I really did not want to do this either. So I told the policeman I am not interested sorry, good luck though, I will pray for them to be able to get this case done.They told me if my daughter ever got kidnapped and raped don’t call them.I was horrified by such a statement. They acted like children. No wonder I did not like cops. I ran into the lead detective a couple years later they got him,(The serial murderer and rapist) and he was on death row.

The Lord was preserving me, I think, for the time I was going to come to him. I always had this knowing deep inside me. My hubby wondered if I were psychic with all the knowledge I had of many different things that had occurred in our lives, especially what he was doing long before he got around to telling me about it. I could find Romain no matter where he was in this country when he was a trucker for 5 years. I never thought of myself as psychic. I never spoke to spirits. It was just knowledge thats it, just a knowing of things that were going to happen. If I loved someone I had a foreknowledge of anything that would befall them or whatever it happened to be. We also seemed to have ghosts (what I know now, is demons) with us wherever we would go, and they always followed us.They seemed to really like bothering my Meghan.

At four years old Meghan came to us crying so hard begging us to not allow Ruby, my little sister to go away for college. If we let her go away to college she was going to die at that college and we would never see her again. We told her Meghan Aunty Ruby is in perfect shape and nothing will happen to her. She screamed and cried and threw a real fit the likes of which we never saw from our happy inquisitive little Meggie. No NO you do not understand mommy God told me, Ruby will die and we will never ever see her again, Mommy please please don’t let her go away. I said Meghan stop it your being ridiculous now, stop it!! She ran to her room and freaked out for hours on end. What on earth was going on with our little girl? A few days later Ruby was babysitting Jon and Meg while I went to work, and Meghan started on her aunty. Telling her please aunty do not go please your going to die God told me so. Ruby was an angelic sweet fantastically, wonderful Christian. She did everything for crippled and mentally handicapped kids as well as being one heck of a great witness for the Lord to anyone who would listen.

She told Meghan, Listen baby cakes please, I am going to be fine I have to go to college to become a doctor so I can help little children who are sick. I have to go to college honey. Meghan threw another fit. Cried and screamed and begged us to please listen to her. Why mommy won’t you listen to me please, oh God please mommy listen to me. I said because your being silly Meg now you need to stop it ok please come here and let me hold you and make it all better. I talked her down calmly, I am sure Meg baby that nothing is going to happen to aunty Ruby she is in perfect health. She just had all kinds of tests and she is perfectly healthy. She still argued albeit calmer than before that, nope she was going to get sick, very very sick at the college and die. We could not convince Meghan nothing would befall Ruby. It turns out Meghan was right.

Ruby was driven down to college by my parents,and on the way there they stopped off in Tennessee at the grand ole opry hotel. Ruby went swimming,and her ear blocker that was supposed to protect her brand new tubes, fell out. She got water in her ear,and that caused her a lot of pain. My mom gave Ruby a brand new bottle of  Tylenol, and told her take a couple when you hurt. Well she did take only a couple at a time over an eight day period,but Ruby was homesick already and not eating, nor drinking very much. She was dehydrated and had an empty stomach. She kept taking the Tylenol,wondering according to her room mates, why it was not working. They were not absorbing into her system because instead of digesting, they just built up into the lining of her stomach. She began getting severe pains in her abdomen, so she went to the hospital a couple of times. They said your just home sick go back to your dorm.

She went back to her dorm, but came back four times more. Every time no one listened to her complaints, that this was not merely homesick there was something wrong here, very wrong. They just kept sending her back to her dorm. On the Sunday a little over a week of being there She went to the big hospital, she had to be walked in by two people the pain was horrifyingly bad. They said well we don’t know what is wrong but there is definitely something wrong. They decided it had to be gallbladder and would not listen to her that she wanted to go home right away. They gave her plenty of liquids and also a few saline drips to rehydrate her which then pushed all the Tylenol through her system at once. It destroyed her liver and every organ besides. By the next morning she had surgery but was now in coma. My parents had to rush down they did not think my sister would make it.

My parents got an emergency flight back down to Florida, went to the Hospital and begged my little sister to fight with all her might, to come back to us, not to leave us. We all prayed in CT everyone everywhere, all my moms brothers and sisters, my dads brother and sisters, his parents. I pleaded with God I bargained with God. I begged God, do not take my baby sister from us please God please give her back to us. Two days of begging, praying, pleading, bargaining with God, yielded no results that we wanted. It felt more like two months rather than 2 days. And then God took Ruby home, to be with Him. I felt it the moment she was gone from us. It was like something was ripped out of me. I screamed at God I swore at him, I called him every filthy vile thing I could. And then I apologized profusely. We had been forewarned. God sent us the message through my little girl. Besides which, once we knew she was ill,we all really kind of felt this was her time. She had been through many many traumas in her young 17 yr old life and was not supposed to have survived any of them. Each trauma she had been through, my parents were told she would not live and if she did she would have been a vegetable. She was no vegetable. She was a light in this dark world to so many many people.

There were 1777 people at her funeral. There were close to 300 people saved at her memorial service and funeral. The short time she was at Pensacola Christians College she touched many many lives (that was nothing new to Ruby). The Lord had glory from her death. I see that now. I did not see it then. I kind of just went away from the Lord a little further than I had been. Though I always sought him in little pieces of time, here and there, I never understood that I needed to humble myself. I did not feel I needed him. I thought I could just keep going my own way. After all I had been told over and over again you said the sinners prayer? your saved no worries. Man how very wrong people are. I wish people understood thats not true. It is not just as simple as a little prayer, and boom thats it your saved forever more. Jesus explained himself, about the seeds falling on rocks, by the way side, in thistles and some that hear and do not even understand or try to understand. I was one of those who heard but did not understand. I tried so hard to be good,but always felt I fell short.

Skipping ahead a few years. Jon one day found me smoking pot in my bedroom. I had serious pms besides being depressed all the time, and pot alleviated a lot of my symptoms. So I snuck up to my room and smoked myself a bowl. As I was lighting it up my son picked the lock of my bedroom door and walked in on me. Ouch !! He cried and I told him to come in, and discussed with him my doing what I was doing. He told me I had lied to him. I was devastated, he was devastated. So from that day on he knew we smoked pot. This made him very curious and at 14 yrs old he wanted to smoke some. We let him. He smoked with us after that quite often. We had always told them if they wanted to try something, they were to come to us, it would be better than if they were away from us and something happened. Luckily he never wanted to try anything else. We were not the good parents we thought we were, obviously.

Meghan found out too and tried marijuana with us a couple of times, but it turned out she was allergic to it. That nipped any problem for her in the bud. She was sneaky and tried other things behind our backs. She was quite the inquisitive child no doubt. We were always up front with them after mine and Jons little episode. They knew all of our little tries of drugs, and our stint with Crack. We had a few parties with our kids. We allowed them to drink a little bit here and there with us. Apparently our kids told their friends we smoked pot too, and so we became according to the kids who hung out with our kids, the cool parents. It was not only though that we  smoked pot, that their friends all wanted to come to our house. It was because we listened to them, and tried our best to give them good advice, on just about every subject one could think of. Dating, why they should not to try this or that drug. How to communicate with their parents. Parents of most teens it seems do not understand the teens, and therefore do not listen to them.

It has been my experience that most parents are just afraid to talk to their kids. Afraid to let their kids know they made mistakes along the way. I honestly do not know of such a thing as the perfect parent. Nor perfect kids. everyone makes mistakes in some way or another. One thing good about our relationship with our children, they always came to us when there was a problem. They knew we would listen, we would do all we could to help them through any problems  that might arise. They knew we were not going to tell them to shut up, or make light of their problem, no matter how little it might have been. We had a very close relationship with our children. We were not perfect, no far from it. But we did our best. Our kids did not talk nasty about us behind our backs, as I had always seen so many kids in my youth do. They often brought their friends who had problems to us. Knowing we would listen and help in whatever way we could. We were mom and dad to many of our kids friends.

Then we had my niece Jacquelyn whom we fosterd off and on for about 6 years. My sister had problems with crack herself. DCF (department of children and families) knew to bring jackie to me. They wanted us to adopt her,but we did not want to do that, with high hopes for my sister coming to her senses. That never happened. Then Romain did not want to adopt Jackie, because we were almost done with our own kids growing up, and he wanted us to have us time. That was a horrible time in our marriage and we almost divorced. We figured Jackie would be better off with my brother and his wife. So I had to give her up to them.I went through such a depression at that time I wanted to die. I really daily considered suicide. I was taking so many different pills at that time it did not help. It made things so much worse for me. Then I found out I had a brain tumor. A prolactinoma. No it would not kill me, but it made many difficulties for me. I gained 57 pounds in like three months. It could make me go blind. It could make me have high blood pressure and heart problems. It made my body think I was pregnant, so I started to produce milk. It could make my bones weak, and make me go into menopause.

Romain and I were like strangers. Giving up Jackie and all the other issues I had, put more of a rift between us. Things were not so good. One day Romain came home and said I want a divorce. I am done. He cried and said do you know what it is like to come home nightly, and wonder if I am going to find your dead body ? I cannot handle this anymore. It was a wake up call, somewhat. I did not know how to fix myself. I wanted to have my niece back in my life ,but it was too late my brother and his wife adopted her. I had stopped talking to my mother and sister because they had put tons and tons of pressure on me for Jackie’s  sake. Which was part of the reason I gave her to my brother and his wife. That was a horrible sin according to my mother as well. I was always the person my entire family called when they had any problem. Call Tammy she will fix it she is smart she fixes everything. While it feels good to be counted on,it is also it’s own torment. To have your own problems, and that of your entire family riding on your back,well it can really drag you down, deep.

So I just did not speak to anyone anymore. I had had enough, when I had told my mother and my sister on the phone together, that they were making me nut’s, and I was so  depressed I wanted to just curl up and die, or kill myself, they talked right over me. That was it I was done. This did not have the desired effect on me either. I was even more depressed. I still did not realize it was God I needed. I was just a very lost and tormented soul.
The demons were more and more active in our house. Even showing up at all hours of the day and night. Yes thats right we could see those demons. We thought they were ghosts, and never let it bother us before. But now I was suddenly being touched, and whispered to. I was held down in my bed by something, and told in a whispery hoarse voice, mmmm your so soft so soft. I freaked out hard and ran out of that room, as soon as I was let up. Well that night, Meghan and I went in to my room and turned the light off and both of us saw a shadowy figure skitter across my bed. We switched the light on really fast, and I never wanted to go back to that room again.

I prayed hard Please Lord make that thing go away. I went back into the bedroom that night with Romain and whatever it was, was not there, or active that night. I had remembered my friend Brenda telling me we had authority over ghosts, so I rebuked it in the name of the Lord. I thought it worked. It had not. We were seeing figures all over the place and that was very uncool. Not long after we ran into some problems with our mortgage company. They stopped accepting our mortgage payments, and were trying to foreclose on us. Apparently this mortgage company had been doing this to many people in the state of Connecticut. Our state attorney general made a huge lawsuit against this company and we signed up for that. This was so not helping my depression. The phone ringing 8 times a day. I was being harassed by the people who refused to accept our money. They called us names and said why do you not pay your bills? Told us we were dirt bags and just made life hell on earth. I took to answering the phone and blowing a police whistle in their ears every time they called.

Our son fell in love with a woman in Washington state, and moved out there to be with her. That ripped me to pieces too. But I knew in my heart Jon was supposed to be with Heidi, his adorable wife, whom we love to pieces. I cried myself sick over my son moving so far away from me. But he was a man,it was time for him to become responsible for himself. Things were not good between Romain and I still. We just did not know if we would make it past all of these hard  times. Finally I let go of everything and kind of turned some of it over to God. I had just said I cannot do this anymore God, and basically screamed help me just help me , Or I am going to crack. He did help me some.

And then my parents, whom I was speaking to again, offered us a cruise  vacation. On the Disney Magic. Being away from everything and all our problems was a balm to my tired worn out brain. The Magic was just plain magic. That was the best thing that could have happened. Romain and I found our selves clinging once more to one another. We found our passion for one another again. We enjoyed each others company once again. We left all our troubles at home, and decided this is it, let’s move out west. We asked our tenants, if they wanted to buy our house and they were overjoyed. We sold them the house for nearly 60,000 dollars less than it was worth, but we did not care. That mortgage company was not getting that house. We would go be close to our son. We would leave this life behind us in CT. As well as leave those demons for someone else to play with. We both felt so free. It was wonderful.

The sale of the house went off without a hitch. And since the mortgage company had refused to accept our mortgage payments we had a nice little nest egg to move out west. It was like the Lord set this all up himself. The way everything worked out,how could it be any other than the Lord bringing us to a new life, a new place. He uprooted us and it was not painful in the least. It was liberating freeing. My family was devastated, but I could not hurt for them. I needed this in the worst way. On the day we began our trek out of Connecticut, we both cried  for about an hour, Rome and I. But once we hit the New York border, it was like ten thousand pounds was lifted off of us. I threw my passel of pills right out the window of that moving truck, and never looked back. What a fantastic beautiful trip that was. Romain and I were closer, than even before all our problems came about. We sang together, laughed together did things I wont discuss together. Yup the passion and joy of each others company was there once again and better than one could ever hope for.

Which brings me to my conversion from thinking I was a Christian to being a full fledged true Christian. I had the book The Rapture by Tim Lahaye ,and Jerry B Jenkins. I read that and realized from that book that to call upon the Lord’s name without having a reason or no prayer following was still getting his attention. Thus I decided I would not call out oh God without following with prayer. That was a life time of using the Lord’s name in vain,to not using his name unless in prayer. It was a hard hard thing for me for a little while, but practice makes perfect, and before long I was done with that. That book had me going back for the rest of the Left Behind series of books. I was at the library weekly for the next parts of the series. I was reading three of them a week. I got to the eighth book in the series when it suddenly hit me. I was lost, I did not know the Lord. I had taught my children bad bad Christianity. I was so stupid and had so much to make up to the Lord for. One on my kids behalf, and two on my own behalf. I read that book and realized just why and how my life was so not what it should have been.

I fell to the floor on my face and bared my soul for judgement from God. I finally understood what it was that I was missing in trying to walk of my own will in Gods ways. It was not my will I was supposed to be following but the Lords. I had to repent I had to open up to God. I had to face my sins through the eyes of God. I stood at God’s feet that day and saw my sin and what it looked like to God. I cried so hard and so long and layed face down in absolute dejection, for what seemed like a long time. Pouring my heart out to God. I was humbling myself,something I never had known how to do. I begged forgiveness for my sins and they had been many. I prayed for the Lord to pour his spirit out on me. To give me new eyes to see. A new Heart for him and all man kind. I prayed for new ears to hear what the spirit had to tell me. I was changed in a moment. A brand new person all the old me was gone. I now knew my strength my very courage to face life, would come through the Lord and his Holy Spirit which he poured out on me and into me.

I had not understood that redemption was tied to humility. That Humility in front of God was what repentance was all about. I needed to humble myself before God, and let all my shame and all my past crimes as well as all my sins stand forth. I had to strip down to the bare bones of who I had been. I had to look at myself through Gods eyes. To realize I was in need of redemption. I had to see the truth of who I was, to never go back to being that person. That night after getting up from the floor,I truly was changed and saw immediately how I was changed. I saw suddenly the world as it is. And I was sickened by how much a part of the world I had been and how much I had loved the things of the world. I sat down to watch my favorite shows Desperate housewives,and brothers and sisters which follows it on Sunday nights. I could not watch them either of them. I was sickened by the sn and saw for the first time, that TV is satans very best tool to reach the world. I searched the tv for anything worth watching,and had a very hard time to find anything at all. Finally I found TBN, and there was a movie on,it was Jesus story. Praise God I had found something worth watching.

I watched that channel for quite a few months. I lived on that channel. I read my bible for 10 to 12 hours a day. I searched the internet for anything and everything about God and life as a Christian. I became involved with many pretrib groups online. That was a mistake. I had so many questions that all these pretrib pastors, and people just like me could not answer. I still was so leary of Churches, thinking God could just show me the way. He did show me so much in one year. But once that year was up I was hungry for much more. I started to think of finding a good church to go to. I searched church after churches mission statements, and what their beliefs were. Still just not seeing the one that stood out. Meanwhile my son and his wife had a neighbor who was after them to go try her church out. This church was awesome she kept telling them. You have to give it a try. They did try it out, then came and told us I know the perfect church for you Mom. I was still so leary of churches though, that I did not want to even try it out. I kept saying oh I dont know guys I really don’t know. I mean I was waiting for the Lord to shout it out to me.

I finally gave in when my husband said let’s go give it a shot, just once wont hurt. So yeah I agreed,let’s just give it a shot, whats it going to hurt? I told the Lord I need to, one recognize the body of Christ there immediately. Two I need to feel the Spirit moving in it. Three that preacher had better give a message that shivers me timbers. The Rock church, even though the pastor was not there, held all three of my prerequisites. I have been going there since,and now am growing with this awesome church. I still have problems once in a while. Trials and mini tribulations, but I have learned that this is normal, and it is how you go through those trials that matters. My medicine in the midst of trials, the thing that sees me through them all, with joy still abundant in my heart, is simply praising the Lord, before, during, and after them.

And that is my story.
I hope someone can get something out of this very long march through my life.
God Bless you all and bring you ever closer to him.
Love in Christ Jesus, Tammy

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