Well I have not felt for a long time, the need to write my testimony, though many have been interested as to what it might be. Recently the Lord has placed the burden on my heart to share it. Then when in Church service on Sunday Jan 4th, Our pastor told us we need to get our testimonies out there. Talk about the Lord affirming for me this must be done. Twice in one week first directly to my heart from God, then second in church through our Awesome Pastor,Jeff Knight. Pastor if your reading this know that service was my all time favorite thus far. I was shaking so hard I could not hardly stand up, wow!!! power of the Holy Spirit moving through was amazingly awesome.
This promises to be lengthy and I apologize for that,but I will first lay my life backround out for you,and lead you to my true understanding of Salvation through Christ Jesus. I could seriously write a book about my life. I think many of us could. I am going to break this down into two parts. Possibley three parts. It took me four days to write it all.
I was a twin in the womb until my mother miscarried my sister, at three months pregnant. This is a very very rare occurrence for a pregnancy to go on when having lost one twin. We would have been fraternal twins or this could not have occurred. I was 2 weeks late in being born and my mothers biggest baby. My mother the lucky gal never, even after being induced , felt a labor pain, not for a single one of her children’s births. There were four births for my mom. My older sister and myself from a father who was mentally ill. Then my younger brother and sister from our step dad. At six months old I was beaten quite badly, by my biological father. My mother spent two days in hospital with me where they questioned her endlessly about what happened. I had a concussion and was bruised head to toe, but still smiling I am told.
I was a very loved baby by my mother. She tells me she could have happily munched the Shoot right out of me LOL. This is probably why I am such a cuddle monster with those I love as well as wanting to chew on all children. Because honestly, babies are just too adorable to stop kissing them. Need to have a nibble on their little toes and hands and feet. Never to hurt mind you, just the need to bite lightly. My poor kids had to have thought they were my personal chew toy for the longest time. My mother filed for divorce finally, from my father when I was nine months old, as his insanity grew, so did my mothers fear for us, and herself. We had nothing and welfare did not want to help us either. So mom had our aunt and neighbors babysit us while she worked her tail off. That woman is a worker no doubt.
Mom met our stepdad while working at G.E. Life was a little better then we had food and furniture and clothes. I remember so many of the smallest details of being even a year old with my first pair of walking shoes. I freaked out because we had been feeding pigeons, in the front of our apartment house and a piece of bread dropped on my shoe, and the bird had the audacity to come and peck my new shoes. I was deathly afraid of birds having sat at tv with Alfred Hitcocks the birds playing man that was so scary. I remember right down to my first pair of potty training pants and how proud I was of those potty pants, and having to run out of the house to show the world at large, I was a big girl now. With my aqua colored terry training pants on only. I checked these memories with my mom, and she is stymied by my remembrances, even to the smallest details.
At Five years old I was being raced in a shopping cart with my big sis and cousins,and we hit a rock and I landed on a piece of broken glass. I had a wonderful scar of a perfect cross on my right knee for years and years. I honestly felt blessed by that cut. Truth be told I did not even feel a thing when it happened. I felt God himself had marked his marking on me. I was raised at that time as catholic. I did not ever want to pray to anyone but God, so it was confusing to me when I was told to pray to this saint for that, and that saint for this, and so on. Then my stepdad took us to his church in Pennsylvania. Birchardville baptist church. A tiny church that was to this girl more fabulous than food. Which I have always been a huge fan of food.
In that church we learned of Jesus and had our very own special classes, as the adults had theirs. Wow how amazingly awesome. How interesting learning all this awesome stuff the Lord did for his people. Daniel and the lions den. Shadrac, Meshec, and Abednigo dancing with an angel in the flames. I mean holy moly people God is amazing. I never heard any of this in catechism. How lame catechism was to me. I wanted meat, and alls they gave me were dry bones, yuck. I loved going to Pennsylvania even if we had a mean ole step grandma that acted like she hated us and well everyone. But My Grandpa Everitt, oh how wonderful he was. Always a smile for us, always a tickle under the arms, or on the knee. I was terribley ticklish as a child.
Then when my grandparents sold their farm to John Wayne and we all went to meet him. He was awesome and loved Kids, I knew it immediately. He placed me on his shoulders and marched me around the farm all day long as he toured it. Dude to a five year old he was some seriously tall. I was scared to death of heights. He kept telling me, listen little pardner I’ve got you. He tweaked my nose and kissed it a couple times. I must have had one cute little nose cuz everyone wanted to kiss it, and tweak it.
At that age I also saw the movie Moses and the ten commandments. That impacted me hugely. I heard it said there shall be no other gods before my God. Therefore I did not especially at that time want to pray to anyone but God. I had also been told in Birchardville baptist church, to always pray to God, and end in Jesus name. Who were saints anyway? The bible calls us all saints. This caused loads of problems for me with catholic priests. I did not like calling them father either. I was always being scolded for calling priests hey you. My mother used to tell me, Tammy respect the father,so mom told me I had to, so I would at that moment (only) call him father. The only one I liked of the priests was Father Voice he was a precious, and liked kids. He also seemed to understand where I was coming from when I told him I would not pray to saints cuz the ten commandments told me, no other before God. And thow shalt not bow the knee to any idols.
I was nearly hit by a drunk priest in St Mary’s church in New Britian CT,for asking him who did he think he was to tell me I had to confess my sins to him? I told him he was not capable of forgiving sins. He reared back his hand to hit me and I ran out of the confessional. I went back to confession one other time because I got spanked at home for daring to be so rude to the priest. So I went and confessed a sin of stealing from a candy store,and was told to say ten hail marys. I said sorry I dont know that prayer. He said ok say ten of these prayers, Sorry dont know any of those prayers. He said what prayer do you know then, all exasperated? I said I know the our father one very well. He said fine then go say that twenty times and learn the other prayers. I did not learn the other prayers. I needed to pray to God and God only,according to those ten commandments.
Oh I have to go back a bit for a sec,at 8 years old I dreamed about a man named Roman. He was in my dream, my future husband. He was an awesome husband and we were so in love in that dream, it was amazing, especially for a child of that age. I mean I was a woman in the dream. God showed me who my husband was to be. From that time forward I would run in whatever direction I heard that name mentioned, to go see if that was my husband. More on that later.
At ten years old a few friends and I went into church at the catholic church we were supposed to go to the service or ceremonial crap as I thought of it ( I mean I never learned a thing other than how to sleep in catholic services). Anyway these friends and I went upstairs behind the choir loft, and they decided to have a seance. I was scared but had to show my boldness and stay. These were my friends who thought I was so tough and not scared of anything. Well nothing much at first happened then one of the girls says, we invite you to show yourself to us. Well the window opened and slammed shut like ten times the candle flame blew out, and it was dark suddenly in there. I was so scared I could have easily wet myself. I ran out of that church and never once returned to it.
I figured heck if that was in the catholic church I did not need to go there. Must mean evil lived in that place. I never did go back to that one church. I have not stepped into catholic churches since then, unless it was for funerals, or weddings which could not be avoided.
At 12 years old my cousin Janet came and asked me if I would go to check out this church with her, she had been introduced to by her AA friends. I said sure, so off we went to Immanuel Gospel Church. I heard about salvation there and that I needed not only to trust in God, and that he sent his son, but I needed forgivness that only Jesus could provide, or go to hell. I did not fully understand this all but, I figured I am not going to hell, so I better go do this thing.
At the end of the service my cousin and I went up and got our salvation, or so I thought. I mean I accepted and mimicked what I had heard the preacher say,that Christ died to save us from our sins and I accept that. Then from that day forward I leaned on my own understanding, with a catholics guilty mentality, that I am always doing very wrong in the eyes of God. I really worked so hard on being good, never fully feeling forgiven.
When we moved to Southington,a very lovely little New England town, out of the city that new Britian was, we began attending church at Central Baptist church. We had moved forward in our lives Thank God. They had sunday school and all kinds of teen activities. I went to every teen activity I could go to. I still never understood what being saved really meant. Though I had a healthy love of God and Jesus. I still was leaning on my own understandings. Always feeling like I was not good enough to really entreat of God, anything. I do know one thing though, While I was being molested as a child, (from eight yrs old on till 12) God was my only friend and confidant. My molestation made me very defensive. I still to this day wrestle with being defensive,even though I have forgiven my molester and myself. I have too easy a time of becoming offended, and then reacting in defense.
I realize of course my defensivness comes from years of abuse, physically, sexually, and mentally. I was always called a liar by my mother. She was always telling me I was the biggest liar on earth, and man that stung. Especially since I was not a liar, I was the most truthful person in our family. Mom was always a very very secretive person. No one who knew us knew that our step dad was our stepdad, they all thought he was our father. We used to laugh my sister Debbie and I, when people would say we looked like our stepdad. We were of course forbidden to tell anyone the truth. See my mouth was always on the go, spilling the beans about everything and anything that went on in our household, and that was my big crime, as far as my mom was concerned. So she started telling people I was a big liar and made up stories like nobodies business. This way people would not believe me. The sad thing is now that I am an adult, and see what happened, I was more hurt than I had been when nothing I said to her was ever believed. She convinced herself of her own lie, that I was a liar.
After all my mother told me never to lie, and then messed me up big time by saying I was a liar, when I was telling truth. It became quite hard to understand what was truth and what was a lie anymore. I can tell you this too, had I told my mother I was being molested, she probably would have called me a liar then too. Thus I kept my mouth shut, to my molesters happy satisfaction. My birthday gift from my abuser after my 8th birthday, was to introduce me to molestation. My world shattered at that moment. I was no longer seeing things through the eyes of a child. Everything was different. Every time someone looked at me I felt shame and as though they could see what was happening to me. I had to (in my mind) have been a very bad girl to deserve this thing, that was being done to me. I closed up, closed down, and became painfully shy. More than that, if I perceived someone speaking to another about me, I went and beat them. I got into alot of fights after that. I could not stand the thought of people talking about me and possibly knowing my shame.
I dont know honestly, how no one knew something was up. I went from talking to everyone, to hiding from everyone. I spent hours alone crying and pleading with God to help me. He seriously was my strength, and took me far away from what was happening to my body, while it was happening. Unfortunately I have that killer memory that does not forget a single detail. Sometimes memory such as mine, is fantastic, and sometimes it really sucks. At the age of 12 I started to get to know myself and started liking boys a little bit. I put an absolute, no doubt, end to my own molestation. I was never touched again by that person. Nor would I allow boys to touch me. Heck no man!!, I was from that moment on one mans woman, and I had yet to meet my God chosen man Romain.
It took me years to forgive my molester, but by the grace of God I did. Forgetting was so very much the hardest part. It came back at the most unexpeced moments and really put a damper on things here and there, for my husband and I. I somtimes wondered if I would be able to trust men at all. I knew one thing, before I would think of settling in with anyone, any man, his reaction to my having been molested would tell me everything I needed to know. Praise God,my Romain my love of my life, my God picked husband, cried like his heart would rip out of his chest for me. I love that man so much for that. He did not act repulsed by me, which was what my defensive self imagined would happen. He held me tight and wished to kill my molester. To a teenaged girl whose heart had been trampled on, and body had been used and abused in many different ways,(though of course I would not let him kill anyone) Romain was and still to this day is, my white knight in shining armor.
Now when I was a teenager, I got into stealing things from stores. I mean not just little things. I was a great little theif. I never stole from any person I knew, but I stole from stores. Clothing, jewelery, makeup, even deoderant. I cannot go into details as to why I began stealing. Suffice it to say I stole because I had to. Still that does not excuse me in my own eyes, as I am sure it would not excuse me in God’s eyes. Even after I became the towns best babysitter (I mean I was in hot demand, had people fighting over who would have me babysit) I was deep into stealing by that time, and could not give it up. I was weak with it. Yes I was a cleptomainiac. I finally put an end to that shameful thing once I was married for a couple of years. I got caught stealing the most stupid thing a person could steal, a mad libs book. I mean dumb is not even the word. But for me being caught arrested and name in the paper was more than enough humiliation. that was the end of that. I still believed myself a good Christian. I had been told as long as you said that sinners prayer you were saved forever more. How very wrong people are about that.
When I was 15 yrs old I had been dating this one guy off an on for two years. He would dump me every two months two weeks and 5 days. LOL I dont think he planned it that way, it just happened that way. Anyway Greg broke up with me and I was heart broken. He broke up this time because a girl we went to school with who had many troubles of her own, offered him sex. Something I was not going to give him,so he broke up with me for her. My mom was very upset with him for hurting me yet again. In that time about two weeks after Greg and I broke up, my mom decided to buy a double key board organ for herself. Mom is very musically talented. She bought the organ from a woman she worked with at G.E, and had the organ delivered, by the people she bought it from.
Now let’s not forget I had still every time I heard the name Roman, been searching all over for who this guy was. Every single time I heard the name I ran like mad to catch a glimpse of who that Roman was. Was he mine? every time I was disappointed.
Well I was over my best friend Janice’s house hanging out as was my regular thing to do nightly weekly,what have you,and the phone rings. It was my mom I mean unusual for her to call me at Jans, since I knew the time I was to be home by. I needed to come home right away mom had a surprise waiting for me. Oh man A Surprise??? Awesome, who doesn’t love surprises? So I ran the whole mile and a half in five minutes. Yeah oh Yeah I was in serious shape let me tell you. I never went anywhere without riding my bike to it. My weight was major on my mind. I baked like a nut case, always baked, but never indulged in those things I baked. So ok run into the house never noticing the vehicle in the driveway that did not belong there. I run in and say all out of breath,I am hoooooooooommme, oh wow. There in the entry way was this muscled up, good looking guy with a little moustache, oh wow! he was just perfect. Mom says Roman This is Tammy, how old did you say you were Roman? 15,oh wow look at that Tammy is 15 too. Thats all that needed saying I was caught, hooked, and sunk with his name. Thats right there was my God promised Romain. I did not know he would be french and have my favorite last name of all time, attatched to his first name, Levesque. Man when God works something out it just boggles the mind how perfect it really is.
I called Jan from upstairs in my sisters room, and said Jan, all whispery like, I just met my future husband. She was so disgusted with me and yelled at me you cannot know that. I said yup let me tell you all about what I have known all my life practically, later though LOL. I have to go get to know my man first. So I touched up my make up and changed into a tighter pair of jeans. And booked (ran) down the 15 stairs to go hang out with him, and of course get to know him. Yup oh yup, perfect hands, a great smile, and muscled to the hilt. Not only that he seemed as interested in me as I was in him. So I said an inane stupid thing. Anything that came to mind, which was, hey want to go outside and see my rabbitts? We had probably close to a thousand rabbitts. My dad thought they were both female rabbitts, oooops.
He surprised me by saying yes and we went outside and talked about everything. Anything either of us could think of to talk about. I asked him umpteen gazzillion questions and he answered them all in the best light possible. Oh yes folks it was him alright ,the one God had promised. No other Roman I had ever seen even came close to this one. Besides it just felt like home to my heart. Just being near him, and trust me when I tell you, no one could ever make me feel that way about them. I was leary and cautious about everyone. Every guy in my book had to be watched very carefully. Then it was time for him to go home with his parent’s. Man I felt like screaming at everyone, no way man, I wont be parted from him now, he is mine. But of course good girls who attend every church service, every teen activity, could do no such thing.
So That saturday, when I sat by the phone and had received no phone call still, I mean what was that, two days go by, and he has not called me yet? So I knew all the people mom worked with at G.E and knew one woman who was friends with Romains parents,I called her up and said Hugette,can I have Romain Levesques phone number, she put the phone down (I was told later) And giggled to herself. She had heard all about Romain and I meeting two nights previous. So she gave me his number and I called him. Not so Christian like, but hey I knew God wanted us together,I was still of a mind I had to do for myself too you know. I mean I had heard from many people, God helps those who help themselves.
He answered the phone, and did not know who it was. I said this is Tammy you met the other night? Oh yeah Hi Tammy, his voice got all silky like, what are you doing? Nothing much just thinking, would you like to maybe get together tonight, and go see a movie? Well I would like that but ummmm my parents go out every saturday night, and well I don’t have a way to get there. I was so upset. Cuz my mom could not, no way, no how, know I called him first, darn it. So I said well ok then, I guess I will just go to my friend Janices house. He asked can I have your friends number and call you there later? Well certainly!!! So I gave him the number, and we talked a little more. Then hung up. It was really tough to hang up.
That night over Jan’s house,Romain called me,and he stole his dads truck and came and picked me up. Bad Bad Romain. Ask me though if I cared? I mean I was getting to hang out with, “THE” man of my literal dream. We drove around a little bit and finally parked in some naval facility parking lot down the road from my house. It was April 23rd 1983. It was a rainy icy kind of night. We were both 15 yrs old. I know I know bad Romain LOL. He did not even have a license to drive. We sat there neither of us talking, listening to some AC/DC for about 3 hours. neither of us saying a thing, not one single word. Just looked at one another every so often. I realized he was trying to work up the courage to kiss me. But man I had to go, it was a Saturday night and well church was tomorrow morning, and I had to be home, and in bed, so I could wake up for it.
I told him I am sorry Romain to end this, but I have to go home, I am going to be in trouble, I am late as all get out. This was not like me to be late or not call and let mom know I would be late. So he says wait just a few more minutes please. Ok so we sit there a little longer and all is back to quiet, except the music playing. I say again ok few minutes is up, about a half hour later. I really have to go .Ok ok then, he leans over and kisses me. I melted!! It was the most lovely gentle caring kiss I had ever had. And then he sat more upright and drove me home.
The following day My sister and her fiance, asked if I wanted to go to Riverside amusement park (Now six flags). I said yeah but Listen I have to invite Romain too. Romain who is Romain? The guy who was here the other night playing the organ for mom? I will give you the gas for him to come, if we can go pick him up? Sure Dave said (my sisters fiance). So I called him from Debbies room. His parent said no he could not go. Devastated was not the word. Then he bugged them half to death, and they said, yes he could go. Man I was over the moon. We picked him up and were on our way. It was a nice drive and we all smoked a joint. Shame shame on us girls, supposed to be Christians.
We had a great enjoyable deafening ride to the Park. Deafening because my soon to be brother inlaw, had a 77 monte carlo that was super souped up, and had the most amazingly loud stereo system in the world. This releived the pressure on poor Romain to not have to talk. We let our ears stop ringing for a while. Then we talked alot. Got to really know one another. Besides whats more fun than going on all the sick rides of an amusement park, to really make a good day?
It was time to go home tomorrow was school. Man did the day have to end? Of course it did. This was just wonderful, Romain was and is the man of my dream. It just felt perfectly right to be with him. Our parents loved it that we had one another. Then not too long after they hated that we were together. Romain’s parents because to them I was a worthless Jesus freak. My parents because Romain was helping their angelic daughter (or so they thought) into less and less like a Christian. I still held onto my beliefs all that I had learned about being a good Christian. I was so wrong though. I was not the Christian I thought I was. I was plenty worldly with plenty of worldly wants and desires. About 6 months after meeting Romain I consented to have sex.
That began our whirl wind romance. I figured because we had not used protection for about 6 months of daily sex, I could not or would not become pregnant. HAH!!! Big joke on me. After dating one another for about 10 months I became pregnant. I had sex with Romain because I figured God had told me, he would be my husband anyway, why not? I knew we would be together forever. Let me tell you, we had hard times with both sets of parents not wanting this relationship, for their very different reasons,it made it very hard. Come hell or high water I was not giving him up. But once I found out I was pregnant, I tried to end our relationship. I did not want anyone anywhere to say I trapped him into this relationship. I did not count on him throwing himself into the road with a big ole dump truck coming at him. The dump truck driver would not have seen him in the road where he was, and I knew he would be dead, if I did not run back and tell him to get up.
He asked me why I wanted to end this thing between us? I told him he needed to sit down and proceeded to tell him I was pregnant. He was dumbfounded. We both fell apart and cried in each others arms. I would not no way have an abortion. I did know that much at least that God would not allow that. At the time I had run away from home. Whenever I disappointed my mother, or would have upset her, I ran away. I was not living at home at this time, I lived with Romain’s boss. She was in the middle of a divorce, and needed help with her kids. I was planning on quitting school, because I skipped so much to go have sex, all day every day with Romain. Who had already quit school. There was no way I was passing that year. So I made my quitting official once I found out for sure, I was pregnant.
I went home to my mothers house and tried to tell her what was going on with me and she practically dragged me out of her house not wanting to hear what I had to say, not at all. So Romain and I left. I in unconsollable tears, he not knowing what to say or do now. So he brought me back to his bosses house. My sister called me over this womans house that night, and said your pregnant arent you Tam? I said yeah how did you know? She said well what else would you have to tell mom? I said yeah nothing at all other. LIE!!! I had plenty I could have told my mother,and I think she had some kind of inkling, that I could have rocked her world to the very core of it.
I moved back home the next day.Went back to church, But things were very different. I was a bundle of nerves not sure, how on earth I would be a good mommy, being so young. Would Romain want to leave me? Would mom still love me? When I went back to church, I was scheduled to work the nursery, and of course was going to go to Sunday school, but at the door of the room, the woman who was our Sunday school teacher told me, I was no longer welcome to attend Sunday school. When I went to the nursery to sign in and take care of the babies, I had an even worse reception there. I was told I should be horribley ashamed of myself, and that I was surely not going to taint their babies in that nursery, with my harlot ways. I was devastated. I could no longer attend any teen activities. I was told by a few of the teen girls, I had attended Sunday school with, that I should have an abortion. What was wrong with me that I was not doing that right away?
Well I know God would not want me to murder my baby. I would never ever be ashamed of my baby. I had confessed my sins to God and was sure he forgave me. Then I did not want to go to church anymore, because what was the use? I would have had to sit out in the car, while my entire family went to Sunday school. I was not going into the adult sunday school, where they would all look at me like they wanted to rip my eyeballs out, or hang me and beat me senseless. I was an outcast,my church family was not interested in being my church family anymore. Then my family went on vacation and I stayed home. I was not welcome to go on vacation with my own family either, because no one could know I was pregnant, my mother would never live the shame down.
My mothers own family did not know half of the secret stuff that went on in our household. It was all nobodies business,according to my mother. Everyone had to think we were perfect kids, and my parents were the perfect parents. They did not make mistakes in anyway as far as their brothers and sisters knew. That was the weekend my church voted me out as a member. They waited till my family was not present to do it. So I did not go back to church. I heard that a couple of patronly women stood up for me, not to be voted out, but the majority voted me out. Majority wins,in politics and churches too. I vowed never to go back to church as long as I lived.
A few months later my parents had to paint their house, there was a problem where would I go while they were doing that? My older sister was getting married and the house was going to be packed with Family from both sides. Romains parents said I could go stay there. My mother was not for that. But where else could I have gone? So it was agreed I would go stay at Romains parents house for a few weeks. Once in Romains parents house, Romain wanted me to stay. So we discussed it with his parents. It was decided I should stay. I mean what more harm could I do I was already pregnant. I called my mother and told her this news, and she disowned me. I was a pariah in every way, to everyone I had known all my 16 yrs. Except for my best friend Janice, I had no one but Romain and Janice.
Romain got three jobs to support us. He worked in two restaraunts, one as a cook, one as a bus boy,and he also worked for dairy mart as a cashier. He was the best!!! What other 16 yr old boy do you know, who would do such a thing? Take his girlfriend who was pregnant, and take care of her. Prepare for his life as a daddy, and work so hard. I was so proud of him. Trust me it was not easy on either of us. I was a very dejected, rejected hurting unit. His parents did not speak to me very often. They still did not like me very much. That went on for years and years. They still do not like me much at all, they tolerate me for their sons sake.
My pregnancy was a dream come true as far as no sickness, no problems at all. I wanted to name my son (I knew in my heart this was a boy) Romain jr, but Romain would have none of that. His son would not be stuck with that name. I love that name. So I sat around the house moping alot, since I could get nowhere, and see no one ever. When Romain took me out I was as happy as one could be. I watched a movie after asking God to help me name my son, and that movie I watched had a character named Jonathan, that I loved to pieces, he was just such a sweety. So it was decided Jonathan was going to be his name. It felt perfectly right.
One December night in 1984, I had turned 17 two months before,in the first snowstorm of the season, I went into labor.It was a wild snowstorm the moon was full out and it was snowing like mad. My father inlaw said if you go into labor don’t wake me up,just let me know in the morning what you had. But when the moment came, he had the four wheel drive, and there was no way Romains little 79 pinto was going to make it in that stuff. Romains dad woke and drove us to the hospital, and went back home. Man this was it. I was so scared. They set me up in the delivery room, I had been already four centimeteres dialated, as of a month before Jon was born. This was going to be a great delivery, according to the nurses and doctors.
It was not so easy on me. I kept pushing with my face. I could have been in and out of that delivery room in two hours. Instead I pushed with my face for two hours. The nurse, this big German woman, slapped me in the face, when I started to pass out from hyperventilating. That seriously woke me up. They said you have two more chances to push and deliver or we are going c section. Ummmmm no way man I aint being cut. So I told the nurse who slapped me I did not know how to push. She said push like you are going to go crap. Well I had not done that, I was afraid to crap in front of people. TMI, I know sorry. So I did as she said and to heck with it anyway. I pushed him out in three pushes, go Tam!!!! I had my little Jonathon, thats spelled the way I spelled it, with an o so it could be different. I figured there were plenty of Jonathans in the world let’s make ours a little different. He was the smallest baby in the nursery and the only boy. Jonathon broke the all girl births for the last two months.
Oh how beautiful he was, perfect even. He had a perfectly round head and blond hair all over him, head to toe. The nurses were all immediately nuts over him. They were always coming to take him from me. I don’t know about anyone else, but this gal does not sleep in hospitals. I have been an insomniac anyway, since my eighth birthday. The nurses kept telling me here have a sleeping pill, you need to sleep you wont have this chance to sleep for a long time. Even with sleeping pills I was wide awake, so I trekked down to the nursery, and went to get my baby. The nurses kept coming back to take him back to the nursery. One nurse told me listen we want him here with us, because you have him the rest of your life, and we get him for this short period of time. Let us have some time with him. I don’t know if you know this being so young Tammy, but you have a very special baby here. There is just something about him that draws all of us nurses to him.
Wow I had a special baby. Amazing!!! Me the rejected church girl no one wanted. The nurses were not lying let me tell you, I was mobbed no matter where I went with my beautiful baby boy. The pastor of my moms church came to the hospital to see me too, and congratulated me, and told me there is just something quite special about Jonathon. I was amazed yet again. This man I had always known as a quiet never say boo to anyone about anything, kind of pastor, was telling me my son was special? Me the one the church rejected, had a special baby, wow what gives here?
The biggest thing for me though, was the change that came over me. My thinking was different, my way of doing was different, the way I saw things was different. I mean I was someones mother. What an awesome responsibility.
So life went on I had no help with my baby. My mother who had accepted me back into the family before she went away on vacation, just incase she died or I died while she was gone to Canada, would not take any time off work. My mother inlaw did not help either. Romain signed up for the army, and worked three jobs to support us, and I had severe baby blues. Thoughts of suicide did enter my head, more often than I like to admit. But of course I was not going to have someone else raise my baby and be ashamed of him. Not for my special baby. He did not sleep at night from almost the first week I brought him home. I was an insomniac, who no matter how much sleep I did not get, could not sleep in the day time, unless I was raging with fever. So I did not sleep much for the first three months my son was alive. Add that to baby blues and it can be scary.
Romain having wanted to sign up for the army, his father insisted we get married. This way less paper work and Jonathon has health insurance. Me too of course. The funny thing was even though my father inlaw insisted we get married, on our wedding day he told me I would not last with his son, he knew his son and his son would not put up with me and my ways,(whatever they were according to him) for more than 6 months. He was told I guess you just gave me something to work for huh?
Part two coming in two days. Love In Christ Jesus,Tammy
