The Rapture Force

The Word is a Light, and cuts like a Sword thru the Darkness

Archive for January, 2009


The Shepherd And The Sheep

posted by PrayerWarrior

Jesus is our Shepherd,right? Or is He? Is He your Shepherd? Have you made Him your Shepherd? Have you made him the only thing you follow? Because the Shepherds job is to what, Lead the flock,feed the flock, He thinks about his flock. He provides for His flock, nourishes His flock,and most importantly He makes available to His flock. We His flock, do not need to worry about where our next meal is coming from,He provides all things to us. When you walk on your own,doing the things the wicked world has taught you, are you living for your Shepherd? We are already a citizen of Heaven when we become one of his flock. Being a citizen of heaven, we naturally want to keep ourselves holy.Thats why we must listen to the Lord he will lead us on righteous paths. Doing all the right things.

The Shepherd calls you by name he knows you, he loves you. If one of his flock wander away he runs right after them to get them back in line. He Leaves all the other flock, and goes to get that wandering sheep back. Christ is our Shepherd, he stands at the door and he calls to you, he does not knock, he calls you by name. We, who are his flock hear and understand, it is our Shepherd calling to us, and we open the door. We let him in,and we follow him. If we are his sheep Our Job is to follow the shepherd. When the flock follows the Shepherd they get to know him, they get to know his voice, and they listen. The Shepherd guards his flock, he protects his flock. He advises his flock,and they hear and do according to his word.

We as sheep need to have considerate observation so we know what our Shepherd is telling us to do. We need to pay attention to Him and all he dictates to us. He is never early, He is never late, He is always on time. Being that he provides for you, you now have to what? Take what he gives you. In Ephesians it says, we have been blessed with every blessing. In order to have blessings you must accept them. We sheep accept those blessings, we receive them. If he has said take it, it is yours, why aren’t you taking it? It is yours! Go get those blessings with Thanksgiving in your heart. The Shepherd provides lavish drisrtibutions of gifts. We are all given gifts of the spirit and they are according to Gods word Lavish. We must listen with the ability to do what your told. If you do not listen, that’s when you make mistakes. We do not have to make mistakes,because “everything” is provided for us. We need have no worry. If we are worrying we are not trusting the Lord to do his Job and Shepherd us.

All we have to do is sit back and go along for the ride kind of. I mean you are to be busy for the Lord, winning more souls to heaven. But like when you take a plane, ok you board the plane,you are without saying it out loud, giving that pilot your trust. You go in the plane take a seat, seat belt yourself, hear all the safety instructions, and then relax and let the Pilot do his job. It is like that with Christ only much deeper. A pilot is a temporary guard of your life. Jesus is forever looking after your safety. He is the pilot, you simply trust him with your life. You put your faith in him, and know he will see you safely to your destination. Our destination is eternity with Christ, like Christ. Just trust Him,just obey him. Follow him and all His edicts, and you will be living a blessed life. Just hand him the reins, allow him to lead you through life. You have angels all around you, making sure you do not dash your foot against a stone, when you make him your Shepherd and heed His advice. It is when you step away from the Shepherd that you can wander away from the flock, and get lost. Though He promises He will come get you. He “will” come find you.”Whom the Father has given Him he will not lose one, no not one.”

Sheep follow their Shepherd blindly. Meaning they do not look to the left unless their shepherd is there. they do not look off to the right unless that is where there Shepherd is. We as Jesus followers do not need to be concerned with the things of this world. We just need to keep our eye trained on the Shepherd. He will never lead us astray,and he will keep us happy all along the way. Though troubles may find you friends, your Shepherd always comes and saves you in the nick of time. The sheep know that the Shepherd is always going to take good care of them. They love their Shepherd and he loves them. The sheep do not look at one another and judge and worry about what the other sheep are doing. Nope ,they look up to their Shepherd and know they are always safe. The Shepherd will not allow anything to happen to his sheep.

Knowing His word is a very good way for us to get to know Him. He knows us already don’t forget he called you out of your sin to become one of His own. So to know the Shepherds voice,to understand the Shepherds voice, you must study his word. Have you ever wondered at that voice in your head? Asking yourself is this my own subconscious speaking? Is this God speaking to me? Is this satan speaking to me? How can you know without a doubt it is Jesus speaking to you? By knowing his word. In knowing the word you are now prepared to fight off all the devils wily darts that he will hurl at you, as well as being able to know without a doubt when it is the Lord speaking to your heart. We will recognize his voice by knowing His word. Then there will never be an occasion to wonder whose voice your hearing. Forewarned as they say, is forearmed. The Lord in His word provides all the answers to every question you may have. You can know those answers long before you need ask them, by studying his word diligently. This way you know your Shepherd. His word is His explanation of who he is.

One more Analogy to round this out. The Lord is kind of like a boxers manager. He is in your corner watching everything you cannot see in the thick of it all. He massages you and tells you go with your right there is a nice spot left open over there, go with your right. Go to the left duck ,bob and weave. He sees all things that are going on and knows which way to direct you. Which way your going to get through this match. It is the same with Christ. He sees all the things we cannot see, He knows which ways to guide you and direct you. He will always be that man in your corner never leaving your side always guiding and directing and asking you to trust him. Your victory is His victory in all things. Or vice verse, His victory is your victory, in all things. He first had the victory and passes that on to us, who will just trust Him and make Him our Shepherd.

God Bless you all and lead you to Him.
Love you all in His Name, Tammy


Question Answered, Is The Rapture in the year 2009

posted by PrayerWarrior

It has come to my attention, that many people have been asking this question all over the net in search engines. I would like to answer you all. There is going to be no rapture in 2009 . The timing is not an answerable question by anyone. Jesus said in Matthew 24:36 “But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, but My Father only.” Then you ask how can I possibly tell you, I know there will be no rapture in 2009? Well this is how, In Matthew 24 Jesus also tells us in verses 29-31 “Immediately after the tribulation of those days the sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens will be shaken.
30 Then the sign of the Son of Man will appear in heaven, and then all the tribes of the earth will mourn, and they will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of heaven with power and great glory.
31 And He will send His angels with a great sound of a trumpet, and they will gather together His elect from the four winds, from one end of heaven to the other. It says “IMMEDIATELY AFTER” those days of tribulation. It does not say before tribulation, Jesus is quite clear here.

Why you might ask, would a loving God want us to go through trials and tribulations? Well personally I know Why America should be tested. We Americans are lazy and we lament about the littlest of trials. We go through something that someone from another country, would feel they were in a spa for the day for,and cant stand it feel we can’t handle it. God is going to test our mettle. He is going to see how much it will take to turn us away from him. We here in America are so not tested and tried as of yet. Our lives are super super easy. Try living in another country,where there is not enough food, no work, no clean water, your not free to speak as you wish. Not free to practice the religion you wish to. Not free to do anything but starve and have no clothing. No housing, not a drop of governmental help. If your found out for practicing a religion your country has not sanctioned, your dead, beaten, or imprisoned.

Also Jesus said in Mark 13:14 we would know the times,in Mark 13:14& Matthew 24:15,16 But when ye shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, standing where it ought not, (let him that readeth understand,) then let them that be in Judaea flee to the mountains: Then in 2 Thessalonians 2:1-3 Now, brethren, concerning the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ and our gathering together to Him, we ask you, not to be soon shaken in mind or troubled, either by spirit or by word or by letter, as if from us, as though the day of Christ had come. Let no one deceive you by any means; for that Day will “NOT” come unless the falling away comes first, and the man of sin is revealed, the son of perdition. The antichrist must first be revealed. I don’t understand how people can confuse this with any thing other than what is exactly in front of your eyes. I have also heard it told that Jesus was speaking to the Jews in Matthew 24:16. Because he says those in Judea? The book of revelations also tells us that Jerusalem will be trampled by Gentiles.There will be Christians and Jews alike.

All of the new testament is for all of the people in the world. Those who would listen to the calling of the Lord. We must also see the Temple built first in Jerusalem. Otherwise what is the antichrist going to make desolate? Sadly so many people are deceived in this day and age. It is going to be a sad day indeed, for all of these pastors and laymen who adhere to and teach diligently the rapture before the tribulation. When they realize they have been seriuosly sadly deceived themselves, and that they have been a part of satans huge lie. When their congregations depart from them and from God, and they realize they helped satan they are going to be devastated. It is unfortunate but true,even men who have within themselves believed the truth, that it is a prewrath rapture,do not tell anyone . Why? because they would have to lose lot’s of money, “lot’s of money.”

I have recently heard of a Pastor who came to the realization that it is prewrath rapture. Not pretribulation, and he gave up his 20 million dollar a year ministry, because he could not and would not deceive his congregants. That is one heck of a Godly man right there. His elders of his church said sorry can’t have you make us lose all our money and support, from all the people who want to believe in pretrib rapture,as well as make us lose the support of other pretrib teaching churches.

The great falling away the great apostasy,is going to be those who believe with all their hearts the lie that there is a pretribulation rapture. Let’ look at it this way in 2 Timothy 4:3-4 “For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears; and they shall turn away their ears from the truth, and shall be turned unto fables”. What do people want to hear more than any thing else on earth? That they will suffer nothing!! Right? No one wants to hear you may have to die for the cause of Christ. No one wants to hear your loved one may be killed right in front of you. So just because it feels good to your mind,your heart,your itching ears to hear you will suffer nothing,you believe that damnable lie satan has been perpetuating since 1830 something. When you begin to suffer and say to yourselves hey wait I was not supposed to be here for this, don’t you dare turn away from the Lord. Don’t you do that I don’t care what you have to suffer, you need to stick to your first love and remember, It is not God nor his word, nor Jesus that lied to you. No sir, no ma’am, it was satan deceiving the whole world.

Do you really think that Satan is powerful enough to deceive the whole world into thinking UFO’s came and stole people off the earth? He is certainly powerful and definitely crafty, but he has no power over free will. God refuses to step on our free will, why would he allow satan to have control of our free will? Satan can cajole, and talk into, and lie you into doing things, but he cannot make you do anything. He could not force the world to believe that UFO’s came and stole people. Besides there is no secret about the coming of Christ on the clouds with great glory. Nor is it going to be a secret when the heavens are shaken and stars fall and the sun is made black.
The great lie which people are believing around the world is not forced on anyone,it is what they want to hear. 2nd Thess. 2:11 And for this cause GOD shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie. Verse 12 states: That they all might be damned who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness.

So no darling brothers and sisters from all over the world who have asked this Question. The rapture is not eminent. The rapture could still be years off. We must first see that temple in Israel,we must first see many many terrifying things,and withstand much trials and tribulation. We are in serious need of refinement before we can go home to meet our Father in Heaven. Remember he who endures to the end Matthew 24:13 but those who stand firm to the End shall be saved. Matthew 10:22 You will be hated by all men for my name’s sake, but he who endures to the end will be saved. Mark 13:13 You will be objects of universal hatred because you are called by my name, but those who stand firm to the End will be saved. Luke 8:13 Those on the rock are they who, when they hear, receive the word with joy; but these have no root, who believe for a while, then fall away in time of temptation.
Luke 21:19 “By your endurance you will win your lives. 2 Corinthians 1:7 Our hope for you is steadfast, knowing that, since you are partakers of the sufferings, so also are you of the comfort. Why would we be comforted if we had not suffered? Be ready Ephesians 6:11 Put on the complete armor of God, so as to be able to stand firm against all the stratagems of the Devil.1 Timothy 6:19 laying up in store for themselves a good foundation against the time to come, that they may lay hold of eternal life. 1 Peter 5:9 Withstand him, firm in your faith; knowing that your brethren in other parts of the world are passing through just the same experiences. 1 Peter 5:10 And God, the giver of all grace, who has called you to share His eternal glory, through Christ, after you have suffered for a short time, will Himself make you perfect, firm, and strong. What ? after you have suffered for a short time? Hmmmmm what could that mean?

Stand firm in the Lord no matter what please I implore you since I want to see as least amount of people go to hell as I can. Stand firm in your love and trust of Christ. We who are his own have nothing to fear, not even when or if we are broken and maimed and beaten and tortured. Even unto death stand firm in Christ and your love of him. He will not leave your side during your trials and troubles. Jesus said, “Fear not them that kill the body…Mt. 10:28 Rather, “fear Him who is able to destroy both body and soul in hell.”Mt. 10:29.

In closing let me say be strong,be steady,unmovable,unshakable in the Lord. No matter what you have been taught do not turn away from God when your trials and the tribulation occur. Love God with all your mind,body and soul. Remain my brothers and sisters in Christ always, please!! If someone tells you that they know when the rapture is, they are a liar.

Love in Christ Jesus, Tammy


Part 2 My Testimony

posted by PrayerWarrior

This was my dream man that God gave me, I would not could not lose him. So in Feb of 85 Romain went to the military, and I lost the one person who kept me sane. I cried so much my face looked like I was in a boxing match. My in laws did not talk to me. I had no car to go see my friend Janice in the next town over. I never asked my in laws for anything. I never asked anyone for anything. I still don’t ask anyone for anything except prayers. So my son became my world. I talked to him, bathed him, cuddled him talked more to him. Read to him, sang to him, rocked him. I loved that child with everything I had in me, which was tons of love. He was a very smart very active baby from the start. By three months old he was rolling around to get where he wanted to go. By 6 months old his vocabulary was 55 words.

About a month after Romain went into the military, I was in a huge fight with my in laws. The only things they said to me were negative stuff about my parents. Hey my parents weren’t perfect I know that, but neither were my in laws, and I would defend those I love to the death, if I had to. So I bundled Jon up at one a.m one night, and walked out the door with all I could carry of his in my arms, and him in the other arm. I went to a store down the road and called my mother and asked her (Yup I asked my mother for something) If she could come pick Jon and I up in Bristol. Praise God she came right away. I moved home for a little while. That meant I had to go back to that church that had voted me out. I was now married this made everything ok with them. I still did not go to Sunday school, but I went to church.

Mostly I sat there not even listening. I sang the same old songs I had sung before, I knew them all by heart. The people were nice enough to me, but I still felt the stigma of being branded a harlot. Things were ok for me at my mom and dads house. I was there with my little brother and sister. Ruby my little sister was a gem of a girl, and loved her nephew to pieces. I had people to talk to. I could see Janice again. I just was still so unhappy without my other half with me. Though I leaned on God still, I just did not feel that closeness I should have felt. I had no clue what was wrong, and no one to explain to me what was wrong. I felt if the whole church thought I was terrible enough to vote out, then how must God view me?

Romain came back for a visit and we went to his parents house for that visit. Things were not so bad at that time. His folks with him there, were somewhat nicer to me. I think they just missed their grandson. When Rome was leaving he said why don’t you stay here at my folks house? I said I don’t know Rome, at least in moms house I have people to talk to. He convinced me it would be best, Jon would have his own room. I would have my own room. My parents house was always chaotic. He thought that was not good for me or the baby. But I had grown up in the crazy and mostly happy chaos. I was used to noise and people coming and going all the time. But I moved back into his parents house. Back to depression and loneliness. I still had Jon though. Oh yeah, and my mother taught me this little trick of how to get your baby to go back to sleeping at night. You flip them (with two people) head over feet three times slowly. It actually works. Jon slept at night and I was a happy camper. Well ok not so happy, but at least I was sleeping at night mostly.

A few months passed and Romain was done with his basic training and AIT, and his orders got messed up so he was able to choose the army base he wanted to live at. It was Massachusetts he chose. He came to his parents house and picked Jonathon and I up to move out to our own place. Glory Hallelujah. Our own place!!! I thought this is going to be great. Man I was wrong. It really was horrible. The apartment we rented was a dive that had cockroaches ewwwwww. No phone. No family,no friends no one. The friends we made were very screwed up druggies. The women all were after everyone else’s  man. It was no fun. I cried a lot and got very depressed again. Not to mention Romain and I fought a lot. He was partying a lot with all the army buddies as well. The army buddies wives were not there and I saw a lot of those men cheating on wives. I was worried sick that my husband might have been cheating too.

We moved out of the roach infested apartment into a little four room apartment not far away. Some people we lived next to moved with us. I was none too pleased they were abusive to one another. Both cheating on one another,and were abusive to their daughter. Not their son though, it was strange. They did not change sheets in their children’s cribs. So it really smelled bad in the room where the cribs were. I put Jon in bed with Romain and I, since we did not want him near that stinking room. Jon was so sweet at nine months old, I could swear he understood that the little baby Angela, was being abused. He would wrap his arms around her all the time. Just hold her and talk to her all the time. These people had acid parties in our apartment, and invited some really crazy people over. I needed to get away from there badly.

Romain at that time went AWOL, and the people who lived with us turned him in for fifty dollars. The MP’s came and arrested Romain, and Jon and I returned to CT to live with Romain’s parents once again. I was happy for the peace and quiet of Romain’s parent’s home once again,and did not mind that I was not spoken to. I had my son and took great pleasure in his company. He had to have been the smartest little guy in the whole world. He talked quite a bit already,and loved to laugh,and make people laugh. My son always a character. We still could not go anywhere without everyone going nuts over my little man. I swear there really was something quite special about him.

Romain meanwhile had his trial thingy for going awol as well as having marijuana on him. So he had to go to jail for a little while. He was a wreck about it,as was I of course. Then they discharged him. One year of being in the military was enough for him. He came home and we got into the business of living our lives together. He went to work, construction which was good for us. We lived with his parents for about another year, and then finally moved into our own place. There were not many people who wanted to rent to two teenagers. We had a hard time to find a place,but found some people who would only rent out to French people. Thankfully we have that very French last name, Levesque. I went to work in a department store evenings so I would not have to pay a babysitter. I then got pregnant with my daughter Meghan. I told Romain that I had gotten pregnant the night I conceived. He said no way your funny Tam you can’t know that. I said yup sure enough, I am writing it on the calender, and going to go to the doc in a month you will see.

Sure enough one month elapsed and I went to the doctors, and he confirmed it, I was definitely pregnant and right on target as to when I said I  had gotten pregnant. My mother in law did not want us to have this baby,she said we weren’t ready. Which well excuse me for thinking so, but I had a child already and we were doing a fabulous job of raising him. Besides Romain wanted his little girl. He had been an only child and really was looking forward to not making our son an only child. So I went for my one month later appointment and the doctor says, so when do you want to schedule this? I said I don’t get it schedule what? He said all angry, the abortion? I was dumbfounded where would the doc get an idea like that? He said your mother in law called me and set this appointment for you to have an abortion. I was like WHAT????? I don’t want an abortion. I am a mother of a beautiful little boy that I am nuts about, and want my daughter in the worst way. I do not believe in abortion, I thought you knew that already?

The doc’s face changed dramatically, and he said alright!!! rubbing his hands together,then lets get on with having this baby. I was so heartbroken that my in laws thought they could say, and or do such a thing and get away with it. We did not talk to them for a while, this was just beyond sick as far as we were concerned. Then when we went back and began talking to them again, they told us, they would never  could never accept another child, or love another child like they loved Jon. They seriously stuck by their proclamation. Everything about Meghan was never good enough for them. She was too full of piss and vinegar for their liking, according to them. The funny thing was this,They were nut’s over Jonathon, and he is his mothers son in every possible way. Meghan was and is her fathers daughter in every way. They hate me and love their son, but love Jon and dislike Meghan. Go figure. Meghan has always been a chooser of when or if she gets  affection. Jonathon always gave affection rather you wanted it or not. I am an affection hound, and Romain chooses when or if he gives or takes  affection.

Meghan was a very good baby. She slept like nobodies business, was always smiling and happy. She was into everything though. Dragging toilet paper all over the house I had trails of it lol. She was so very very inquisitive. She did not talk as fast as Jon nor did she roll around as fast as Jon. I thought oh my goodness is something wrong with her? She did not crawl she went from rolling around at about 4 months old to walking at 7 months old. Nope nothing wrong with her she was a skipper. Meaning she liked skipping steps that most babies take. She did not do any talking until about 9 months old other than babble, but boy let me tell you, once she began talking, there was no stopping her she was incredibly smart.  She had at 15 yrs old an I.Q of 144. I was a good mommy. Always doing crafts with the kids. Always reading to them,always doing stuff with them to teach them. I did bring them to church quite often, but still I thought I was a Christian, and was not really a Christian. I was a halfway Christian which as I now know, was no Christian at all. With the Lord it is all or nothing.

In this time we became pretty much party animals, Romain and I. We never ever let it effect our kids though thankfully, Or so we thought. We became crack addicts, for about 6 months we sold off everything we had which was not much. Lost our apartment had to move. Then I woke one morning feeling sick and disgusted with myself. I could not look myself in the mirror. That’s when I decided either I kill myself or I straighten up, expell all the people whom I associated with, and go back to being a good mommy, and wife. Not that I was not a good wife to Romain. I did not cheat on him nor hurt him. I did not abuse my children in anyway other than to sell off some of their stuff to get crack. How sickening is that? We did not have much food either. I would go buy soup in cans and noodles, and pour the soup over the noodles for the kids. And plenty of cereal. Romain on that same day woke to the same exact feelings Thankfully. We just stopped the crack and moved forward. We were one another’s  strength to not touch the stuff. We went back to smoking pot though. Pot was our friend for a good many years. We even smoked it when we first became truly saved.

At the age of 20 I was attending classes to become a Realtor. One of my last nights as a student I went out to go home, and discovered my husband was not there. The cleaning lady closed and locked the building up so I was outside alone. She would not allow me back in to go use the phone. I decided there was a restaurant across and down the street a little, I would go there and call my husband to come get me. As I got to the street a pick up truck pulled over. I thought the person was looking maybe for directions and so I walked up to the truck when he opened the door,and he dragged me in the truck and took off. I could not believe this I was being kidnapped. I did not know what to do, should I jump out of the moving vehicle? Should I stay put? I started thinking of my kids and what would happen to them if anything happened to me. The guy drove somewhere towards my home, which was three towns over from the realty school. I decided to just sit quietly and try to ask him some questions. I had heard if you get someone, who means you harm to talk, they are less likely to do anything to you.

I asked him his name he said Scott. Where do you come from? No answer. What do you do for work? Construction. Why are you doing this? No answer. I told him, I am a mom of two lovely children and married for 3 years,to my wonderful husband I love very much. Please do not harm me,please! He told me to shut up so I did. He pulled over in a dark street in a town called Burlington and proceeded to take off his pants in record time, as well as hit these auto locks on the doors so I could not get away. I decided I was fighting this, it was not going to be easy for him. So I turned sideways in the seat as soon as he grabbed my shirt and ripped it open. I started kicking him and punching and digging my finger nails in his hands as he was trying to rip my clothes off me. I kept fighting and screaming no no no no no no!! I guess he got tired of the fight because he hit the auto lock thing again, and told me to get out. I did, I gathered whatever I could as fast as I could of my books and purse and hauled butt out of his truck.

I ran to the nearest house a little ways down the road and banged on someones door. Thankfully they opened the door and let me in. I practically ran the guy over in his door way, as soon as he opened it. Yelling call the police hurry, this guy just tried to rape me. I was shaking so hard I had no idea if this guy was going to come after us or what. So the lady of that house handed me a cup of tea and called the police for me. The cops came about a half hour later plenty of time for the guy to get away. I called Rome at home and woke him up he had fallen asleep putting Jonathon to sleep. Well I had to go to the police department and make out a report. I drew them the picture of what the guy looked like. And gave them his first name,and the info that he worked Construction. The truck I thought was a black f350. I had no other info for them.

I had detectives calling me and coming over all the time. Finally one day a friend of mine and I went fishing, something I have always loved to do. We went fishing at my favorite lake west hill in New Hartford. On the way home from our unsuccessful day of fishing on the lake. I saw the man in his black f250 he was heading toward New Hartford where West lake was. I started yelling and hitting my friend Lisa thats, thats, thats the guy, thats the guy, hurry turn around, we need to follow him. We followed him right to his door. I gave the cops his home address and his license plate number. They went and picked him up and it turns out the guy had a record like 20 pages long for sexual assault and many other things. We had a trial and they slapped him on the wrist telling me, had I been able to prove the kidnapping and had I allowed him to actually rape me, we could have done more Mrs Levesque. I was dumbfounded.

A year later I had state police knocking on my door. They needed me to testify in court again against the same man. I was like why so you can slap him on the wrist again? No thanks I am done I have moved on with my life, and doing my best to forget all of that. They pleaded  with me to do this. Nope not interested. So then they pull out their big guns. Well look don’t you want to see this man in prison? where he wont be able to hurt anyone else or try to? I said look unless he has murdered someone I am not interested. A very strange look passed between those state police men. I said oh wait he did kill someone? They said no not just one ma’am, 12 women. Most of them hookers, one of them a security guard. And they all look very very similar to you with longer hair. Which at the time of the attempted rape, I had long hair too. They asked me had I cut my hair recently? Yes I had it all cut off a few months earlier.

That explained it to them then, that made much more sense. I really did not want to do this besides what could I do to help their case? I mean he did not kill me obviously. He did not end up raping me, thankfully. I was the only one who knew his Modus Operandi. I thought about it and discussed it with Romain. He did not want me to do this. I really did not want to do this either. So I told the policeman I am not interested sorry, good luck though, I will pray for them to be able to get this case done.They told me if my daughter ever got kidnapped and raped don’t call them.I was horrified by such a statement. They acted like children. No wonder I did not like cops. I ran into the lead detective a couple years later they got him,(The serial murderer and rapist) and he was on death row.

The Lord was preserving me, I think, for the time I was going to come to him. I always had this knowing deep inside me. My hubby wondered if I were psychic with all the knowledge I had of many different things that had occurred in our lives, especially what he was doing long before he got around to telling me about it. I could find Romain no matter where he was in this country when he was a trucker for 5 years. I never thought of myself as psychic. I never spoke to spirits. It was just knowledge thats it, just a knowing of things that were going to happen. If I loved someone I had a foreknowledge of anything that would befall them or whatever it happened to be. We also seemed to have ghosts (what I know now, is demons) with us wherever we would go, and they always followed us.They seemed to really like bothering my Meghan.

At four years old Meghan came to us crying so hard begging us to not allow Ruby, my little sister to go away for college. If we let her go away to college she was going to die at that college and we would never see her again. We told her Meghan Aunty Ruby is in perfect shape and nothing will happen to her. She screamed and cried and threw a real fit the likes of which we never saw from our happy inquisitive little Meggie. No NO you do not understand mommy God told me, Ruby will die and we will never ever see her again, Mommy please please don’t let her go away. I said Meghan stop it your being ridiculous now, stop it!! She ran to her room and freaked out for hours on end. What on earth was going on with our little girl? A few days later Ruby was babysitting Jon and Meg while I went to work, and Meghan started on her aunty. Telling her please aunty do not go please your going to die God told me so. Ruby was an angelic sweet fantastically, wonderful Christian. She did everything for crippled and mentally handicapped kids as well as being one heck of a great witness for the Lord to anyone who would listen.

She told Meghan, Listen baby cakes please, I am going to be fine I have to go to college to become a doctor so I can help little children who are sick. I have to go to college honey. Meghan threw another fit. Cried and screamed and begged us to please listen to her. Why mommy won’t you listen to me please, oh God please mommy listen to me. I said because your being silly Meg now you need to stop it ok please come here and let me hold you and make it all better. I talked her down calmly, I am sure Meg baby that nothing is going to happen to aunty Ruby she is in perfect health. She just had all kinds of tests and she is perfectly healthy. She still argued albeit calmer than before that, nope she was going to get sick, very very sick at the college and die. We could not convince Meghan nothing would befall Ruby. It turns out Meghan was right.

Ruby was driven down to college by my parents,and on the way there they stopped off in Tennessee at the grand ole opry hotel. Ruby went swimming,and her ear blocker that was supposed to protect her brand new tubes, fell out. She got water in her ear,and that caused her a lot of pain. My mom gave Ruby a brand new bottle of  Tylenol, and told her take a couple when you hurt. Well she did take only a couple at a time over an eight day period,but Ruby was homesick already and not eating, nor drinking very much. She was dehydrated and had an empty stomach. She kept taking the Tylenol,wondering according to her room mates, why it was not working. They were not absorbing into her system because instead of digesting, they just built up into the lining of her stomach. She began getting severe pains in her abdomen, so she went to the hospital a couple of times. They said your just home sick go back to your dorm.

She went back to her dorm, but came back four times more. Every time no one listened to her complaints, that this was not merely homesick there was something wrong here, very wrong. They just kept sending her back to her dorm. On the Sunday a little over a week of being there She went to the big hospital, she had to be walked in by two people the pain was horrifyingly bad. They said well we don’t know what is wrong but there is definitely something wrong. They decided it had to be gallbladder and would not listen to her that she wanted to go home right away. They gave her plenty of liquids and also a few saline drips to rehydrate her which then pushed all the Tylenol through her system at once. It destroyed her liver and every organ besides. By the next morning she had surgery but was now in coma. My parents had to rush down they did not think my sister would make it.

My parents got an emergency flight back down to Florida, went to the Hospital and begged my little sister to fight with all her might, to come back to us, not to leave us. We all prayed in CT everyone everywhere, all my moms brothers and sisters, my dads brother and sisters, his parents. I pleaded with God I bargained with God. I begged God, do not take my baby sister from us please God please give her back to us. Two days of begging, praying, pleading, bargaining with God, yielded no results that we wanted. It felt more like two months rather than 2 days. And then God took Ruby home, to be with Him. I felt it the moment she was gone from us. It was like something was ripped out of me. I screamed at God I swore at him, I called him every filthy vile thing I could. And then I apologized profusely. We had been forewarned. God sent us the message through my little girl. Besides which, once we knew she was ill,we all really kind of felt this was her time. She had been through many many traumas in her young 17 yr old life and was not supposed to have survived any of them. Each trauma she had been through, my parents were told she would not live and if she did she would have been a vegetable. She was no vegetable. She was a light in this dark world to so many many people.

There were 1777 people at her funeral. There were close to 300 people saved at her memorial service and funeral. The short time she was at Pensacola Christians College she touched many many lives (that was nothing new to Ruby). The Lord had glory from her death. I see that now. I did not see it then. I kind of just went away from the Lord a little further than I had been. Though I always sought him in little pieces of time, here and there, I never understood that I needed to humble myself. I did not feel I needed him. I thought I could just keep going my own way. After all I had been told over and over again you said the sinners prayer? your saved no worries. Man how very wrong people are. I wish people understood thats not true. It is not just as simple as a little prayer, and boom thats it your saved forever more. Jesus explained himself, about the seeds falling on rocks, by the way side, in thistles and some that hear and do not even understand or try to understand. I was one of those who heard but did not understand. I tried so hard to be good,but always felt I fell short.

Skipping ahead a few years. Jon one day found me smoking pot in my bedroom. I had serious pms besides being depressed all the time, and pot alleviated a lot of my symptoms. So I snuck up to my room and smoked myself a bowl. As I was lighting it up my son picked the lock of my bedroom door and walked in on me. Ouch !! He cried and I told him to come in, and discussed with him my doing what I was doing. He told me I had lied to him. I was devastated, he was devastated. So from that day on he knew we smoked pot. This made him very curious and at 14 yrs old he wanted to smoke some. We let him. He smoked with us after that quite often. We had always told them if they wanted to try something, they were to come to us, it would be better than if they were away from us and something happened. Luckily he never wanted to try anything else. We were not the good parents we thought we were, obviously.

Meghan found out too and tried marijuana with us a couple of times, but it turned out she was allergic to it. That nipped any problem for her in the bud. She was sneaky and tried other things behind our backs. She was quite the inquisitive child no doubt. We were always up front with them after mine and Jons little episode. They knew all of our little tries of drugs, and our stint with Crack. We had a few parties with our kids. We allowed them to drink a little bit here and there with us. Apparently our kids told their friends we smoked pot too, and so we became according to the kids who hung out with our kids, the cool parents. It was not only though that we  smoked pot, that their friends all wanted to come to our house. It was because we listened to them, and tried our best to give them good advice, on just about every subject one could think of. Dating, why they should not to try this or that drug. How to communicate with their parents. Parents of most teens it seems do not understand the teens, and therefore do not listen to them.

It has been my experience that most parents are just afraid to talk to their kids. Afraid to let their kids know they made mistakes along the way. I honestly do not know of such a thing as the perfect parent. Nor perfect kids. everyone makes mistakes in some way or another. One thing good about our relationship with our children, they always came to us when there was a problem. They knew we would listen, we would do all we could to help them through any problems  that might arise. They knew we were not going to tell them to shut up, or make light of their problem, no matter how little it might have been. We had a very close relationship with our children. We were not perfect, no far from it. But we did our best. Our kids did not talk nasty about us behind our backs, as I had always seen so many kids in my youth do. They often brought their friends who had problems to us. Knowing we would listen and help in whatever way we could. We were mom and dad to many of our kids friends.

Then we had my niece Jacquelyn whom we fosterd off and on for about 6 years. My sister had problems with crack herself. DCF (department of children and families) knew to bring jackie to me. They wanted us to adopt her,but we did not want to do that, with high hopes for my sister coming to her senses. That never happened. Then Romain did not want to adopt Jackie, because we were almost done with our own kids growing up, and he wanted us to have us time. That was a horrible time in our marriage and we almost divorced. We figured Jackie would be better off with my brother and his wife. So I had to give her up to them.I went through such a depression at that time I wanted to die. I really daily considered suicide. I was taking so many different pills at that time it did not help. It made things so much worse for me. Then I found out I had a brain tumor. A prolactinoma. No it would not kill me, but it made many difficulties for me. I gained 57 pounds in like three months. It could make me go blind. It could make me have high blood pressure and heart problems. It made my body think I was pregnant, so I started to produce milk. It could make my bones weak, and make me go into menopause.

Romain and I were like strangers. Giving up Jackie and all the other issues I had, put more of a rift between us. Things were not so good. One day Romain came home and said I want a divorce. I am done. He cried and said do you know what it is like to come home nightly, and wonder if I am going to find your dead body ? I cannot handle this anymore. It was a wake up call, somewhat. I did not know how to fix myself. I wanted to have my niece back in my life ,but it was too late my brother and his wife adopted her. I had stopped talking to my mother and sister because they had put tons and tons of pressure on me for Jackie’s  sake. Which was part of the reason I gave her to my brother and his wife. That was a horrible sin according to my mother as well. I was always the person my entire family called when they had any problem. Call Tammy she will fix it she is smart she fixes everything. While it feels good to be counted on,it is also it’s own torment. To have your own problems, and that of your entire family riding on your back,well it can really drag you down, deep.

So I just did not speak to anyone anymore. I had had enough, when I had told my mother and my sister on the phone together, that they were making me nut’s, and I was so  depressed I wanted to just curl up and die, or kill myself, they talked right over me. That was it I was done. This did not have the desired effect on me either. I was even more depressed. I still did not realize it was God I needed. I was just a very lost and tormented soul.
The demons were more and more active in our house. Even showing up at all hours of the day and night. Yes thats right we could see those demons. We thought they were ghosts, and never let it bother us before. But now I was suddenly being touched, and whispered to. I was held down in my bed by something, and told in a whispery hoarse voice, mmmm your so soft so soft. I freaked out hard and ran out of that room, as soon as I was let up. Well that night, Meghan and I went in to my room and turned the light off and both of us saw a shadowy figure skitter across my bed. We switched the light on really fast, and I never wanted to go back to that room again.

I prayed hard Please Lord make that thing go away. I went back into the bedroom that night with Romain and whatever it was, was not there, or active that night. I had remembered my friend Brenda telling me we had authority over ghosts, so I rebuked it in the name of the Lord. I thought it worked. It had not. We were seeing figures all over the place and that was very uncool. Not long after we ran into some problems with our mortgage company. They stopped accepting our mortgage payments, and were trying to foreclose on us. Apparently this mortgage company had been doing this to many people in the state of Connecticut. Our state attorney general made a huge lawsuit against this company and we signed up for that. This was so not helping my depression. The phone ringing 8 times a day. I was being harassed by the people who refused to accept our money. They called us names and said why do you not pay your bills? Told us we were dirt bags and just made life hell on earth. I took to answering the phone and blowing a police whistle in their ears every time they called.

Our son fell in love with a woman in Washington state, and moved out there to be with her. That ripped me to pieces too. But I knew in my heart Jon was supposed to be with Heidi, his adorable wife, whom we love to pieces. I cried myself sick over my son moving so far away from me. But he was a man,it was time for him to become responsible for himself. Things were not good between Romain and I still. We just did not know if we would make it past all of these hard  times. Finally I let go of everything and kind of turned some of it over to God. I had just said I cannot do this anymore God, and basically screamed help me just help me , Or I am going to crack. He did help me some.

And then my parents, whom I was speaking to again, offered us a cruise  vacation. On the Disney Magic. Being away from everything and all our problems was a balm to my tired worn out brain. The Magic was just plain magic. That was the best thing that could have happened. Romain and I found our selves clinging once more to one another. We found our passion for one another again. We enjoyed each others company once again. We left all our troubles at home, and decided this is it, let’s move out west. We asked our tenants, if they wanted to buy our house and they were overjoyed. We sold them the house for nearly 60,000 dollars less than it was worth, but we did not care. That mortgage company was not getting that house. We would go be close to our son. We would leave this life behind us in CT. As well as leave those demons for someone else to play with. We both felt so free. It was wonderful.

The sale of the house went off without a hitch. And since the mortgage company had refused to accept our mortgage payments we had a nice little nest egg to move out west. It was like the Lord set this all up himself. The way everything worked out,how could it be any other than the Lord bringing us to a new life, a new place. He uprooted us and it was not painful in the least. It was liberating freeing. My family was devastated, but I could not hurt for them. I needed this in the worst way. On the day we began our trek out of Connecticut, we both cried  for about an hour, Rome and I. But once we hit the New York border, it was like ten thousand pounds was lifted off of us. I threw my passel of pills right out the window of that moving truck, and never looked back. What a fantastic beautiful trip that was. Romain and I were closer, than even before all our problems came about. We sang together, laughed together did things I wont discuss together. Yup the passion and joy of each others company was there once again and better than one could ever hope for.

Which brings me to my conversion from thinking I was a Christian to being a full fledged true Christian. I had the book The Rapture by Tim Lahaye ,and Jerry B Jenkins. I read that and realized from that book that to call upon the Lord’s name without having a reason or no prayer following was still getting his attention. Thus I decided I would not call out oh God without following with prayer. That was a life time of using the Lord’s name in vain,to not using his name unless in prayer. It was a hard hard thing for me for a little while, but practice makes perfect, and before long I was done with that. That book had me going back for the rest of the Left Behind series of books. I was at the library weekly for the next parts of the series. I was reading three of them a week. I got to the eighth book in the series when it suddenly hit me. I was lost, I did not know the Lord. I had taught my children bad bad Christianity. I was so stupid and had so much to make up to the Lord for. One on my kids behalf, and two on my own behalf. I read that book and realized just why and how my life was so not what it should have been.

I fell to the floor on my face and bared my soul for judgement from God. I finally understood what it was that I was missing in trying to walk of my own will in Gods ways. It was not my will I was supposed to be following but the Lords. I had to repent I had to open up to God. I had to face my sins through the eyes of God. I stood at God’s feet that day and saw my sin and what it looked like to God. I cried so hard and so long and layed face down in absolute dejection, for what seemed like a long time. Pouring my heart out to God. I was humbling myself,something I never had known how to do. I begged forgiveness for my sins and they had been many. I prayed for the Lord to pour his spirit out on me. To give me new eyes to see. A new Heart for him and all man kind. I prayed for new ears to hear what the spirit had to tell me. I was changed in a moment. A brand new person all the old me was gone. I now knew my strength my very courage to face life, would come through the Lord and his Holy Spirit which he poured out on me and into me.

I had not understood that redemption was tied to humility. That Humility in front of God was what repentance was all about. I needed to humble myself before God, and let all my shame and all my past crimes as well as all my sins stand forth. I had to strip down to the bare bones of who I had been. I had to look at myself through Gods eyes. To realize I was in need of redemption. I had to see the truth of who I was, to never go back to being that person. That night after getting up from the floor,I truly was changed and saw immediately how I was changed. I saw suddenly the world as it is. And I was sickened by how much a part of the world I had been and how much I had loved the things of the world. I sat down to watch my favorite shows Desperate housewives,and brothers and sisters which follows it on Sunday nights. I could not watch them either of them. I was sickened by the sn and saw for the first time, that TV is satans very best tool to reach the world. I searched the tv for anything worth watching,and had a very hard time to find anything at all. Finally I found TBN, and there was a movie on,it was Jesus story. Praise God I had found something worth watching.

I watched that channel for quite a few months. I lived on that channel. I read my bible for 10 to 12 hours a day. I searched the internet for anything and everything about God and life as a Christian. I became involved with many pretrib groups online. That was a mistake. I had so many questions that all these pretrib pastors, and people just like me could not answer. I still was so leary of Churches, thinking God could just show me the way. He did show me so much in one year. But once that year was up I was hungry for much more. I started to think of finding a good church to go to. I searched church after churches mission statements, and what their beliefs were. Still just not seeing the one that stood out. Meanwhile my son and his wife had a neighbor who was after them to go try her church out. This church was awesome she kept telling them. You have to give it a try. They did try it out, then came and told us I know the perfect church for you Mom. I was still so leary of churches though, that I did not want to even try it out. I kept saying oh I dont know guys I really don’t know. I mean I was waiting for the Lord to shout it out to me.

I finally gave in when my husband said let’s go give it a shot, just once wont hurt. So yeah I agreed,let’s just give it a shot, whats it going to hurt? I told the Lord I need to, one recognize the body of Christ there immediately. Two I need to feel the Spirit moving in it. Three that preacher had better give a message that shivers me timbers. The Rock church, even though the pastor was not there, held all three of my prerequisites. I have been going there since,and now am growing with this awesome church. I still have problems once in a while. Trials and mini tribulations, but I have learned that this is normal, and it is how you go through those trials that matters. My medicine in the midst of trials, the thing that sees me through them all, with joy still abundant in my heart, is simply praising the Lord, before, during, and after them.

And that is my story.
I hope someone can get something out of this very long march through my life.
God Bless you all and bring you ever closer to him.
Love in Christ Jesus, Tammy


Finally!!! My Testimony

posted by PrayerWarrior

Well I have not felt for a long time, the need to write my testimony, though many have been interested as to what it might be. Recently the Lord has placed the burden on my heart to share it. Then when in Church service on Sunday Jan 4th, Our pastor told us we need to get our testimonies out there. Talk about the Lord affirming for me this must be done. Twice in one week first directly to my heart from God, then second in church through our Awesome Pastor,Jeff Knight. Pastor if your reading this know that service was my all time favorite thus far. I was shaking so hard I could not hardly stand up, wow!!! power of the Holy Spirit moving through was amazingly awesome.

This promises to be lengthy and I apologize for that,but I will first lay my life backround out for you,and lead you to my true understanding of Salvation through Christ Jesus. I could seriously write a book about my life. I think many of us could. I am going to break this down into two parts. Possibley three parts. It took me four days to write it all.

I was a twin in the womb until my mother miscarried my sister, at three months pregnant. This is a very very rare occurrence for a pregnancy to go on when having lost one twin. We would have been fraternal twins or this could not have occurred. I was 2 weeks late in being born and my mothers biggest baby. My mother the lucky gal never, even after being induced , felt a labor pain, not for a single one of her children’s births. There were four births for my mom. My older sister and myself from a father who was mentally ill. Then my younger brother and sister from our step dad. At six months old I was beaten quite badly, by my biological father. My mother spent two days in hospital with me where they questioned her endlessly about what happened. I had a concussion and was bruised head to toe, but still smiling I am told.

I was a very loved baby by my mother. She tells me she could have happily munched the Shoot right out of me LOL. This is probably why I am such a cuddle monster with those I love as well as wanting to chew on all children. Because honestly, babies are just too adorable to stop kissing them. Need to have a nibble on their little toes and hands and feet. Never to hurt mind you, just the need to bite lightly. My poor kids had to have thought they were my personal chew toy for the longest time. My mother filed for divorce finally, from my father when I was nine months old, as his insanity grew, so did my mothers fear for us, and herself. We had nothing and welfare did not want to help us either. So mom had our aunt and neighbors babysit us while she worked her tail off. That woman is a worker no doubt.

Mom met our stepdad while working at G.E. Life was a little better then we had food and furniture and clothes. I remember so many of the smallest details of being even a year old with my first pair of walking shoes. I freaked out because we had been feeding pigeons, in the front of our apartment house and a piece of bread dropped on my shoe, and the bird had the audacity to come and peck my new shoes. I was deathly afraid of birds having sat at tv with Alfred Hitcocks the birds playing man that was so scary. I remember right down to my first pair of potty training pants and how proud I was of those potty pants, and having to run out of the house to show the world at large, I was a big girl now. With my aqua colored terry training pants on only. I checked these memories with my mom, and she is stymied by my remembrances, even to the smallest details.

At Five years old I was being raced in a shopping cart with my big sis and cousins,and we hit a rock and I landed on a piece of broken glass. I had a wonderful scar of a perfect cross on my right knee for years and years. I honestly felt blessed by that cut. Truth be told I did not even feel a thing when it happened. I felt God himself had marked his marking on me. I was raised at that time as catholic. I did not ever want to pray to anyone but God, so it was confusing to me when I was told to pray to this saint for that, and that saint for this, and so on. Then my stepdad took us to his church in Pennsylvania. Birchardville baptist church. A tiny church that was to this girl more fabulous than food. Which I have always been a huge fan of food.

In that church we learned of Jesus and had our very own special classes, as the adults had theirs. Wow how amazingly awesome. How interesting learning all this awesome stuff the Lord did for his people. Daniel and the lions den. Shadrac, Meshec, and Abednigo dancing with an angel in the flames. I mean holy moly people God is amazing. I never heard any of this in catechism. How lame catechism was to me. I wanted meat, and alls they gave me were dry bones, yuck. I loved going to Pennsylvania even if we had a mean ole step grandma that acted like she hated us and well everyone. But My Grandpa Everitt, oh how wonderful he was. Always a smile for us, always a tickle under the arms, or on the knee. I was terribley ticklish as a child.

Then when my grandparents sold their farm to John Wayne and we all went to meet him. He was awesome and loved Kids, I knew it immediately. He placed me on his shoulders and marched me around the farm all day long as he toured it. Dude to a five year old he was some seriously tall. I was scared to death of heights. He kept telling me, listen little pardner I’ve got you. He tweaked my nose and kissed it a couple times. I must have had one cute little nose cuz everyone wanted to kiss it, and tweak it.

At that age I also saw the movie Moses and the ten commandments. That impacted me hugely. I heard it said there shall be no other gods before my God. Therefore I did not especially at that time want to pray to anyone but God. I had also been told in Birchardville baptist church, to always pray to God, and end in Jesus name. Who were saints anyway? The bible calls us all saints. This caused loads of problems for me with catholic priests. I did not like calling them father either. I was always being scolded for calling priests hey you. My mother used to tell me, Tammy respect the father,so mom told me I had to, so I would at that moment (only) call him father. The only one I liked of the priests was Father Voice he was a precious, and liked kids. He also seemed to understand where I was coming from when I told him I would not pray to saints cuz the ten commandments told me, no other before God. And thow shalt not bow the knee to any idols.

I was nearly hit by a drunk priest in St Mary’s church in New Britian CT,for asking him who did he think he was to tell me I had to confess my sins to him? I told him he was not capable of forgiving sins. He reared back his hand to hit me and I ran out of the confessional. I went back to confession one other time because I got spanked at home for daring to be so rude to the priest. So I went and confessed a sin of stealing from a candy store,and was told to say ten hail marys. I said sorry I dont know that prayer. He said ok say ten of these prayers, Sorry dont know any of those prayers. He said what prayer do you know then, all exasperated? I said I know the our father one very well. He said fine then go say that twenty times and learn the other prayers. I did not learn the other prayers. I needed to pray to God and God only,according to those ten commandments.

Oh I have to go back a bit for a sec,at 8 years old I dreamed about a man named Roman. He was in my dream, my future husband. He was an awesome husband and we were so in love in that dream, it was amazing, especially for a child of that age. I mean I was a woman in the dream. God showed me who my husband was to be. From that time forward I would run in whatever direction I heard that name mentioned, to go see if that was my husband. More on that later.

At ten years old a few friends and I went into church at the catholic church we were supposed to go to the service or ceremonial crap as I thought of it ( I mean I never learned a thing other than how to sleep in catholic services). Anyway these friends and I went upstairs behind the choir loft, and they decided to have a seance. I was scared but had to show my boldness and stay. These were my friends who thought I was so tough and not scared of anything. Well nothing much at first happened then one of the girls says, we invite you to show yourself to us. Well the window opened and slammed shut like ten times the candle flame blew out, and it was dark suddenly in there. I was so scared I could have easily wet myself. I ran out of that church and never once returned to it.

I figured heck if that was in the catholic church I did not need to go there. Must mean evil lived in that place. I never did go back to that one church. I have not stepped into catholic churches since then, unless it was for funerals, or weddings which could not be avoided.

At 12 years old my cousin Janet came and asked me if I would go to check out this church with her, she had been introduced to by her AA friends. I said sure, so off we went to Immanuel Gospel Church. I heard about salvation there and that I needed not only to trust in God, and that he sent his son, but I needed forgivness that only Jesus could provide, or go to hell. I did not fully understand this all but, I figured I am not going to hell, so I better go do this thing.
At the end of the service my cousin and I went up and got our salvation, or so I thought. I mean I accepted and mimicked what I had heard the preacher say,that Christ died to save us from our sins and I accept that. Then from that day forward I leaned on my own understanding, with a catholics guilty mentality, that I am always doing very wrong in the eyes of God. I really worked so hard on being good, never fully feeling forgiven.

When we moved to Southington,a very lovely little New England town, out of the city that new Britian was, we began attending church at Central Baptist church. We had moved forward in our lives Thank God. They had sunday school and all kinds of teen activities. I went to every teen activity I could go to. I still never understood what being saved really meant. Though I had a healthy love of God and Jesus. I still was leaning on my own understandings. Always feeling like I was not good enough to really entreat of God, anything. I do know one thing though, While I was being molested as a child, (from eight yrs old on till 12) God was my only friend and confidant. My molestation made me very defensive. I still to this day wrestle with being defensive,even though I have forgiven my molester and myself. I have too easy a time of becoming offended, and then reacting in defense.

I realize of course my defensivness comes from years of abuse, physically, sexually, and mentally. I was always called a liar by my mother. She was always telling me I was the biggest liar on earth, and man that stung. Especially since I was not a liar, I was the most truthful person in our family. Mom was always a very very secretive person. No one who knew us knew that our step dad was our stepdad, they all thought he was our father. We used to laugh my sister Debbie and I, when people would say we looked like our stepdad. We were of course forbidden to tell anyone the truth. See my mouth was always on the go, spilling the beans about everything and anything that went on in our household, and that was my big crime, as far as my mom was concerned. So she started telling people I was a big liar and made up stories like nobodies business. This way people would not believe me. The sad thing is now that I am an adult, and see what happened, I was more hurt than I had been when nothing I said to her was ever believed. She convinced herself of her own lie, that I was a liar.

After all my mother told me never to lie, and then messed me up big time by saying I was a liar, when I was telling truth. It became quite hard to understand what was truth and what was a lie anymore. I can tell you this too, had I told my mother I was being molested, she probably would have called me a liar then too. Thus I kept my mouth shut, to my molesters happy satisfaction. My birthday gift from my abuser after my 8th birthday, was to introduce me to molestation. My world shattered at that moment. I was no longer seeing things through the eyes of a child. Everything was different. Every time someone looked at me I felt shame and as though they could see what was happening to me. I had to (in my mind) have been a very bad girl to deserve this thing, that was being done to me. I closed up, closed down,  and became painfully shy. More than that, if I perceived someone speaking to another about me, I went and beat them. I got into alot of fights after that. I could not stand the thought of people talking about me and possibly knowing my shame.

I dont know honestly, how no one knew something was up. I went from talking to everyone, to hiding from everyone. I spent hours alone crying and pleading with God to help me. He seriously was my strength, and took me far away from what was happening to my body, while it was happening. Unfortunately I have that killer memory that does not forget a single detail. Sometimes memory such as mine, is fantastic, and sometimes it really sucks. At the age of 12 I started to get to know myself and started liking boys a little bit. I put an absolute, no doubt, end to my own molestation. I was never touched again by that person. Nor would I allow boys to touch me. Heck no man!!, I was from that moment on one mans woman, and I had yet to meet my God chosen man Romain.

It took me years to forgive my molester, but by the grace of God I did. Forgetting was so very much the hardest part. It came back at the most unexpeced moments and really put a damper on things here and there, for my husband and I. I somtimes wondered if I would be able to trust men at all. I knew one thing, before I would think of settling in with anyone, any man, his reaction to my having been molested would tell me everything I needed to know. Praise God,my Romain my love of my life, my God picked husband, cried like his heart would rip out of his chest for me. I love that man so much for that. He did not act repulsed by me, which was what my defensive self imagined would happen. He held me tight and wished to kill my molester. To a teenaged girl whose heart had been trampled on, and body had been used and abused in many different ways,(though of course I would not let him kill anyone) Romain was and still to this day is, my white knight in shining armor.

Now when I was a teenager, I got into stealing things from stores. I mean not just little things. I was a great little theif. I never stole from any person I knew, but I stole from stores. Clothing, jewelery, makeup, even deoderant. I cannot go into details as to why I began stealing. Suffice it to say I stole because I had to. Still that does not excuse me in my own eyes, as I am sure it would not excuse me in God’s eyes. Even after I became the towns best babysitter (I mean I was in hot demand, had people fighting over who would have me babysit) I was deep into stealing by that time, and could not give it up. I was weak with it. Yes I was a cleptomainiac. I finally put an end to that shameful thing once I was married for a couple of years. I got caught stealing the most stupid thing a person could steal, a mad libs book. I mean dumb is not even the word. But for me being caught arrested and name in the paper was more than enough humiliation. that was the end of that. I still believed myself a good Christian. I had been told as long as you said that sinners prayer you were saved forever more. How very wrong people are about that.

When I was 15 yrs old I had been dating this one guy off an on for two years. He would dump me every two months two weeks and 5 days. LOL I dont think he planned it that way, it just happened that way. Anyway Greg broke up with me and I was heart broken. He broke up this time because a girl we went to school with who had many troubles of her own, offered him sex. Something I was not going to give him,so he broke up with me for her. My mom was very upset with him for hurting me yet again. In that time about two weeks after Greg and I broke up, my mom decided to buy a double key board organ for herself. Mom is very musically talented. She bought the organ from a woman she worked with at G.E, and had the organ delivered, by the people she bought it from.
Now let’s not forget I had still every time I heard the name Roman, been searching all over for who this guy was. Every single time I heard the name I ran like mad to catch a glimpse of who that Roman was. Was he mine? every time I was disappointed.

Well I was over my best friend Janice’s house hanging out as was my regular thing to do nightly weekly,what have you,and the phone rings. It was my mom I mean unusual for her to call me at Jans, since I knew the time I was to be home by. I needed to come home right away mom had a surprise waiting for me. Oh man A Surprise??? Awesome, who doesn’t love surprises? So I ran the whole mile and a half in five minutes. Yeah oh Yeah I was in serious shape let me tell you. I never went anywhere without riding my bike to it. My weight was major on my mind. I baked like a nut case, always baked, but never indulged in those things I baked. So ok run into the house never noticing the vehicle in the driveway that did not belong there. I run in and say all out of breath,I am hoooooooooommme, oh wow. There in the entry way was this muscled up, good looking guy with a little moustache, oh wow! he was just perfect. Mom says Roman This is Tammy, how old did you say you were Roman? 15,oh wow look at that Tammy is 15 too. Thats all that needed saying I was caught, hooked, and sunk with his name. Thats right there was my God promised Romain. I did not know he would be french and have my favorite last name of all time, attatched to his first name, Levesque. Man when God works something out it just boggles the mind how perfect it really is.

I called Jan from upstairs in my sisters room, and said Jan, all whispery like, I just met my future husband. She was so disgusted with me and yelled at me you cannot know that. I said yup let me tell you all about what I have known all my life practically, later though LOL. I have to go get to know my man first. So I touched up my make up and changed into a tighter pair of jeans. And booked (ran) down the 15 stairs to go hang out with him, and of course get to know him. Yup oh yup, perfect hands, a great smile, and muscled to the hilt. Not only that he seemed as interested in me as I was in him. So I said an inane stupid thing. Anything that came to mind, which was, hey want to go outside and see my rabbitts? We had probably close to a thousand rabbitts. My dad thought they were both female rabbitts, oooops.

He surprised me by saying yes and we went outside and talked about everything. Anything either of us could think of to talk about. I asked him umpteen gazzillion questions and he answered them all in the best light possible. Oh yes folks it was him alright ,the one God had promised. No other Roman I had ever seen even came close to this one. Besides it just felt like home to my heart. Just being near him, and trust me when I tell you, no one could ever make me feel that way about them. I was leary and cautious about everyone. Every guy in my book had to be watched very carefully. Then it was time for him to go home with his parent’s. Man I felt like screaming at everyone, no way man, I wont be parted from him now, he is mine. But of course good girls who attend every church service, every teen activity, could do no such thing.

So That saturday, when I sat by the phone and had received no phone call still, I mean what was that, two days go by, and he has not called me yet? So I knew all the people mom worked with at G.E and knew one woman who was friends with Romains parents,I called her up and said Hugette,can I have Romain Levesques phone number, she put the phone down (I was told later) And giggled to herself. She had heard all about Romain and I meeting two nights previous. So she gave me his number and I called him. Not so Christian like, but hey I knew God wanted us together,I was still of a mind I had to do for myself too you know. I mean I had heard from many people, God helps those who help themselves.

He answered the phone, and did not know who it was. I said this is Tammy you met the other night? Oh yeah Hi Tammy, his voice got all silky like, what are you doing? Nothing much just thinking, would you like to maybe get together tonight, and go see a movie? Well I would like that but ummmm my parents go out every saturday night, and well I don’t have a way to get there. I was so upset. Cuz my mom could not, no way, no how, know I called him first, darn it. So I said well ok then, I guess I will just go to my friend Janices house. He asked can I have your friends number and call you there later? Well certainly!!! So I gave him the number, and we talked a little more. Then hung up. It was really tough to hang up.

That night over Jan’s house,Romain called me,and he stole his dads truck and came and picked me up. Bad Bad Romain. Ask me though if I cared? I mean I was getting to hang out with, “THE” man of my literal dream. We drove around a little bit and finally parked in some naval facility parking lot down the road from my house. It was April 23rd 1983. It was a rainy icy kind of night. We were both 15 yrs old. I know I know bad Romain LOL. He did not even have a license to drive. We sat there neither of us talking, listening to some AC/DC for about 3 hours. neither of us saying a thing, not one single word. Just looked at one another every so often. I realized he was trying to work up the courage to kiss me. But man I had to go, it was a Saturday night and well church was tomorrow morning, and I had to be home, and in bed, so I could wake up for it.

I told him I am sorry Romain to end this, but I have to go home, I am going to be in trouble, I am late as all get out. This was not like me to be late or not call and let mom know I would be late. So he says wait just a few more minutes please. Ok so we sit there a little longer and all is back to quiet, except the music playing. I say again ok few minutes is up, about a half hour later. I really have to go .Ok ok then, he leans over and kisses me. I melted!! It was the most lovely gentle caring kiss I had ever had. And then he sat more upright and drove me home.

The following day My sister and her fiance, asked if I wanted to go to Riverside amusement park (Now six flags). I said yeah but Listen I have to invite Romain too. Romain who is Romain? The guy who was here the other night playing the organ for mom? I will give you the gas for him to come, if we can go pick him up? Sure Dave said (my sisters fiance). So I called him from Debbies room. His parent said no he could not go. Devastated was not the word. Then he bugged them half to death, and they said, yes he could go. Man I was over the moon. We picked him up and were on our way. It was a nice drive and we all smoked a joint. Shame shame on us girls, supposed to be Christians.

We had a great enjoyable deafening ride to the Park. Deafening because my soon to be brother inlaw, had a 77 monte carlo that was super souped up, and had the most amazingly loud stereo system in the world. This releived the pressure on poor Romain to not have to talk. We let our ears stop ringing for a while. Then we talked alot. Got to really know one another. Besides whats more fun than going on all the sick rides of an amusement park, to really make a good day?

It was time to go home tomorrow was school. Man did the day have to end? Of course it did. This was just wonderful, Romain was and is the man of my dream. It just felt perfectly right to be with him. Our parents loved it that we had one another. Then not too long after they hated that we were together. Romain’s parents because to them I was a worthless Jesus freak. My parents because Romain was helping their angelic daughter (or so they thought) into less and less like a Christian. I still held onto my beliefs all that I had learned about being a good Christian. I was so wrong though. I was not the Christian I thought I was. I was plenty worldly with plenty of worldly wants and desires. About 6 months after meeting Romain I consented to have sex.

That began our whirl wind romance. I figured because we had not used protection for about 6 months of daily sex, I could not or would not become pregnant. HAH!!! Big joke on me. After dating one another for about 10 months I became pregnant. I had sex with Romain because I figured God had told me, he would be my husband anyway, why not? I knew we would be together forever. Let me tell you, we had hard times with both sets of parents not wanting this relationship, for their very different reasons,it made it very hard. Come hell or high water I was not giving him up. But once I found out I was pregnant, I tried to end our relationship. I did not want anyone anywhere to say I trapped him into this relationship. I did not count on him throwing himself into the road with a big ole dump truck coming at him. The dump truck driver would not have seen him in the road where he was, and I knew he would be dead, if I did not run back and tell him to get up.

He asked me why I wanted to end this thing between us? I told him he needed to sit down and proceeded to tell him I was pregnant. He was dumbfounded. We both fell apart and cried in each others arms. I would not no way have an abortion. I did know that much at least that God would not allow that. At the time I had run away from home. Whenever I disappointed my mother, or would have upset her, I ran away. I was not living at home at this time, I lived with Romain’s boss. She was in the middle of a divorce, and needed help with her kids. I was planning on quitting school, because I skipped so much to go have sex, all day every day with Romain. Who had already quit school. There was no way I was passing that year. So I made my quitting official once I found out for sure, I was pregnant.

I went home to my mothers house and tried to tell her what was going on with me and she practically dragged me out of her house not wanting to hear what I had to say, not at all. So Romain and I left. I in unconsollable tears, he not knowing what to say or do now. So he brought me back to his bosses house. My sister called me over this womans house that night, and said your pregnant arent you Tam? I said yeah how did you know? She said well what else would you have to tell mom? I said yeah nothing at all other. LIE!!! I had plenty I could have told my mother,and I think she had some kind of inkling, that I could have rocked her world to the very core of it.

I moved back home the next day.Went back to church, But things were very different. I was a bundle of nerves not sure, how on earth I would be a good mommy, being so young. Would Romain want to leave me? Would mom still love me? When I went back to church, I was scheduled to work the nursery, and of course was going to go to Sunday school, but at the door of the room, the woman who was our Sunday school teacher told me, I was no longer welcome to attend Sunday school. When I went to the nursery to sign in and take care of the babies, I had an even worse reception there. I was told I should be horribley ashamed of myself, and that I was surely not going to taint their babies in that nursery, with my harlot ways. I was devastated. I could no longer attend any teen activities. I was told by a few of the teen girls, I had attended Sunday school with, that I should have an abortion. What was wrong with me that I was not doing that right away?

Well I know God would not want me to murder my baby. I would never ever be ashamed of my baby. I had confessed my sins to God and was sure he forgave me. Then I did not want to go to church anymore, because what was the use? I would have had to sit out in the car, while my entire family went to Sunday school. I was not going into the adult sunday school, where they would all look at me like they wanted to rip my eyeballs out, or hang me and beat me senseless. I was an outcast,my church family was not interested in being my church family anymore. Then my family went on vacation and I stayed home. I was not welcome to go on vacation with my own family either, because no one could know I was pregnant, my mother would never live the shame down.

My mothers own family did not know half of the secret stuff that went on in our household. It was all nobodies business,according to my mother. Everyone had to think we were perfect kids, and my parents were the perfect parents. They did not make mistakes in anyway as far as their brothers and sisters knew. That was the weekend my church voted me out as a member. They waited till my family was not present to do it. So I did not go back to church. I heard that a couple of patronly women stood up for me, not to be voted out, but the majority voted me out. Majority wins,in politics and churches too. I vowed never to go back to church as long as I lived.

A few months later my parents had to paint their house, there was a problem where would I go while they were  doing that? My older sister was getting married and the house was going to be packed with Family from both sides. Romains parents said I could go stay there. My mother was not for that. But where else could I have gone? So it was agreed I would go stay at Romains parents house for a few weeks. Once in Romains parents house, Romain wanted me to stay. So we discussed it with his parents. It was decided I should stay. I mean what more harm could I do I was already pregnant. I called my mother and told her this news, and she disowned me. I was a pariah in every way, to everyone I had known all my 16 yrs. Except for my best friend Janice, I had no one but Romain and Janice.

Romain got three jobs to support us. He worked in two restaraunts, one as a cook, one as a bus boy,and he also worked for dairy mart as a cashier. He was the best!!! What other 16 yr old boy do you know, who would do such a thing? Take his girlfriend who was pregnant, and take care of her. Prepare for his life as a daddy, and work so hard. I was so proud of him. Trust me it was not easy on either of us. I was a very dejected, rejected hurting unit. His parents did not speak to me very often. They still did not like me very much. That went on for years and years. They still do not like me much at all, they tolerate me for their sons sake.

My pregnancy was a dream come true as far as no sickness, no problems at all. I wanted to name my son (I knew in my heart this was a boy) Romain jr, but Romain would have none of that. His son would not be stuck with that name. I love that name. So I sat around the house moping alot, since I could get nowhere, and see no one ever. When Romain took me out I was as happy as one could be. I watched a movie after asking God to help me name my son, and that movie I watched had a character named Jonathan, that I loved to pieces, he was just such a sweety. So it was decided Jonathan was going to be his name. It felt perfectly right.

One December night in 1984, I had turned 17 two months before,in the first snowstorm of the season, I went into labor.It was a wild snowstorm the moon was full out and it was snowing like mad. My father inlaw said if you go into labor don’t wake me up,just let me know in the morning what you had. But when the moment came, he had the four wheel drive, and there was no way Romains little 79 pinto was going to make it in that stuff. Romains dad woke and drove us to the hospital, and went back home. Man this was it. I was so scared. They set me up in the delivery room, I had been already four centimeteres dialated, as of a month before Jon was born. This was going to be a great delivery, according to the nurses and doctors.

It was not so easy on me. I kept pushing with my face. I could have been in and out of that delivery room in two hours. Instead I pushed with my face for two hours. The nurse, this big German woman, slapped me in the face, when I started to pass out from hyperventilating. That seriously woke me up. They said you have two more chances to push and deliver or we are going c section. Ummmmm no way man I aint being cut. So I told the nurse who slapped me I did not know how to push. She said push like you are going to go crap. Well I had not done that, I was afraid to crap in front of people. TMI, I know sorry. So I did as she said and to heck with it anyway. I pushed him out in three pushes, go Tam!!!! I had my little Jonathon, thats spelled the way I spelled it, with an o so it could be different. I figured there were plenty of Jonathans in the world let’s make ours a little different. He was the smallest baby in the nursery and the only boy. Jonathon broke the all girl births for the last two months.

Oh how beautiful he was, perfect even. He had a perfectly round head and blond hair all over him, head to toe. The nurses were all immediately nuts over him. They were always coming to take him from me. I don’t know about anyone else, but this gal does not sleep in hospitals. I have been an insomniac anyway, since my eighth birthday. The nurses kept telling me here have a sleeping pill, you need to sleep you wont have this chance to sleep for a long time. Even with sleeping pills I was wide awake, so I trekked down to the nursery, and went to get my baby. The nurses kept coming back to take him back to the nursery. One nurse told me listen we want him here with us, because you have him the rest of your life, and we get him for this short period of time. Let us have some time with him. I don’t know if you know this being so young Tammy, but you have a very special baby here. There is just something about him that draws all of us nurses to him.

Wow I had a special baby. Amazing!!! Me the rejected church girl no one wanted. The nurses were not lying let me tell you, I was mobbed no matter where I went with my beautiful baby boy. The pastor of my moms church came to the hospital to see me too, and congratulated me, and told me there is just something quite special about Jonathon. I was amazed yet again. This man I had always known as a quiet never say boo to anyone about anything, kind of pastor, was telling me my son was special? Me the one the church rejected, had a special baby, wow what gives here?
The biggest thing for me though, was the change that came over me. My thinking was different, my way of doing was different, the way I saw things was different. I mean I was someones mother. What an awesome responsibility.

So life went on I had no help with my baby. My mother who had accepted me back into the family before she went away on vacation, just incase she died or I died while she was gone to Canada, would not take any time off work. My mother inlaw did not help either. Romain signed up for the army, and worked three jobs to support us, and I had severe baby blues. Thoughts of suicide did enter my head, more often than I like to admit. But of course I was not going to have someone else raise my baby and be ashamed of him. Not for my special baby. He did not sleep at night from almost the first week I brought him home. I was an insomniac, who no matter how much sleep I did not get, could not sleep in the day time, unless I was raging with fever. So I did not sleep much for the first three months my son was alive. Add that to baby blues and it can be scary.

Romain having wanted to sign up for the army, his father insisted we get married. This way less paper work and Jonathon has health insurance. Me too of course. The funny thing was even though my father inlaw insisted we get married, on our wedding day he told me I would not last with his son, he knew his son and his son would not put up with me and my ways,(whatever they were according to him) for more than 6 months. He was told I guess you just gave me something to work for huh?

Part two coming in two days. Love In Christ Jesus,Tammy

Video & Audio Comments are proudly powered by Riffly